I have felt particularly alone the past few days, even despite the fact that I've been surrounded by family and friends and am currently staying with friends and family. I don't really feel like I belong, and I feel annoying to people...and useless. I feel like I bother people a lot more than I help them or add good things to their life. I feel like all I do is ask for things and never give in return. I feel like I have nothing to offer my friends or family or anyone else for that matter. Maybe this has to do with the fact that I can't/(won't?) find a job, which leads to many feelings of insignificance. Maybe it's because I am questioning God and my faith. Maybe it's because I feel I have nothing in common with anyone. Maybe it's because I see so many other Christians struggling and not experiencing freedom or joy and I wonder "Where is my God?"

I'm sure I've mentioned before, but I was diagnosed with depression on 2 different occassions when I visited psychologists, my junior year in high school and my sophomore or junior year in college. This leads me to believe that it hasn't disappeared and is not a "situational" depression. I wonder.....is it really a disease as the psychology people seem to be leaning toward....a "chemical imbalance"? Depression, so it seems, runs in my family. But....doesn't everyone get "depressed"? What constitutes "abnormal"? Is 5+ years of not experiencing life....not feeling....normal? Oddly, I noticed that when I went to King's Island with McKenzie, I experienced little or no emotion. I didn't get the little excited jitters I used to get when going to an amusement park.....I didn't even feel any different going up the hills of the roller coasters. No emotions. It's not necessarily like I'm sad all of the time....just on and off...but otherwise, it seems I experience nothing. It's strange to not experience emotions that I feel I should be experiencing. It's like I'm a walking brick wall that nothing can penetrate except sadness and despiration sometimes.

God has given me such a good life...with good friends and everything I could ever need. But I can't seem to find joy in anything. And without joy, without living for Christ, what is there really to live for?

One thing that has been an encouragement for me over the past few days and has helped me keep my sanity is a song called "Born" by Over the Rhine. I'll end with the lyrics. I hope to post a positive blog next time. I know there is more to life than this.

"I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we'll find

Intuition, deja vu
The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got
I don't mind

Put your elbows on the table
I'll listen long as I am able
There's nowhere I'd rather be

Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke's on me

We've seen the landfill rainbow
We've seen the junkyard of love
Baby it's no place for you and me

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear"