Whew, just got back from a jog/walk, and it was…well….amazing would be a good word I guess, only because I was able to think so clearly about so many things. Maybe I should go without headphones more often. But anyway, tons of stuff to think about. I’ll start here:
Safe places. Thank God for safe places; places where I know I can go and let down any barriers I have put up to protect myself; where I can be broken and not worry about what others are thinking; places where I know the people love me know matter what I say; places where I can confess, cry, be foolish, angry, sad…and know that I am not being judged; places where I know I can be completely vulnerable. On my run, I started thinking about how blessed I am to have places like this, because many people out there don’t even know what it feels like to be vulnerable, to have people you can trust so much that you can lay down everything before them and they will still love you as they had before. So many people think they have something to hide that no one can ever know. They live in fear of people finding out who they really are. I can’t imagine how much that must hurt, to hold so much inside, believing that others will think differently of them once they know the real “truth” about them. My heart grieves for them….because they believe such a lie that causes them to rot in their own shame when Christ wants to offer them freedom and other people who will love them no matter what, and God loves the same way, but to an even greater degree.
Well, anyway, last Friday, I was able to feel the peace of one of those safe places. I felt like I was breaking. Overwhelmed by grief, doubt, and hopelessness, I lay down in the middle of my bedroom floor, curled up in a ball, and cried really hard, pleading to God out of desperation. I knew I couldn’t face these feelings alone, and so I finally ended up calling Mark, the other pastor at Veritas. Mark is the type of person who will sacrifice everything for someone in need, so we set a time for me to meet him at his house to pray.
Through much crying, seeking, and praying, God helped me sort out some of my emotions, and He used Mark in significant ways to help me find peace about theophostic, something that has been bothering me for quite some time. I am so thankful to have someone I know I can trust who is ready and willing to seek God whole-heartedly with me. And his wife is no less amazing. Without realizing she was there, Mark’s wife sat outside the T.V. room on the floor, praying for Mark and me as we talked and prayed. It’s so awesome to know that I have such a community of believers who genuinely care about me.
The coolest part of the night, however, came when we were all finished praying. Mark looked at me and said, “I have to ask you to agree with me on something before you go.” I was a little puzzled, but I said ok. Mark proceeded, “I ask that we will continue this for a little while.” Basically, he was asking permission to be a counselor for me! And I hadn’t mentioned anything to him about how I often had urges to ask him if he would be interested in counseling and praying with me for a while. God is awesome like that…..things just fit together. God put it on all of our hearts. Then Kristy emerged from the hallway and told me how happy she was because her and Mark had been praying about this for a while. Mark told me how when I had called earlier about getting together to pray, Kristy had responded, “I’m so proud of her.” It was awesome….it’s like they were expecting me but just didn’t know when I was finally going to break and listen to what God was trying to say to me. It’s like they knew I was supposed to be there. They had given all of this to God and trusted that he would work on me and in my heart to get me there. And finally, I obeyed.
Safe places. Thank God for safe places; places where I know I can go and let down any barriers I have put up to protect myself; where I can be broken and not worry about what others are thinking; places where I know the people love me know matter what I say; places where I can confess, cry, be foolish, angry, sad…and know that I am not being judged; places where I know I can be completely vulnerable. On my run, I started thinking about how blessed I am to have places like this, because many people out there don’t even know what it feels like to be vulnerable, to have people you can trust so much that you can lay down everything before them and they will still love you as they had before. So many people think they have something to hide that no one can ever know. They live in fear of people finding out who they really are. I can’t imagine how much that must hurt, to hold so much inside, believing that others will think differently of them once they know the real “truth” about them. My heart grieves for them….because they believe such a lie that causes them to rot in their own shame when Christ wants to offer them freedom and other people who will love them no matter what, and God loves the same way, but to an even greater degree.
Well, anyway, last Friday, I was able to feel the peace of one of those safe places. I felt like I was breaking. Overwhelmed by grief, doubt, and hopelessness, I lay down in the middle of my bedroom floor, curled up in a ball, and cried really hard, pleading to God out of desperation. I knew I couldn’t face these feelings alone, and so I finally ended up calling Mark, the other pastor at Veritas. Mark is the type of person who will sacrifice everything for someone in need, so we set a time for me to meet him at his house to pray.
Through much crying, seeking, and praying, God helped me sort out some of my emotions, and He used Mark in significant ways to help me find peace about theophostic, something that has been bothering me for quite some time. I am so thankful to have someone I know I can trust who is ready and willing to seek God whole-heartedly with me. And his wife is no less amazing. Without realizing she was there, Mark’s wife sat outside the T.V. room on the floor, praying for Mark and me as we talked and prayed. It’s so awesome to know that I have such a community of believers who genuinely care about me.
The coolest part of the night, however, came when we were all finished praying. Mark looked at me and said, “I have to ask you to agree with me on something before you go.” I was a little puzzled, but I said ok. Mark proceeded, “I ask that we will continue this for a little while.” Basically, he was asking permission to be a counselor for me! And I hadn’t mentioned anything to him about how I often had urges to ask him if he would be interested in counseling and praying with me for a while. God is awesome like that…..things just fit together. God put it on all of our hearts. Then Kristy emerged from the hallway and told me how happy she was because her and Mark had been praying about this for a while. Mark told me how when I had called earlier about getting together to pray, Kristy had responded, “I’m so proud of her.” It was awesome….it’s like they were expecting me but just didn’t know when I was finally going to break and listen to what God was trying to say to me. It’s like they knew I was supposed to be there. They had given all of this to God and trusted that he would work on me and in my heart to get me there. And finally, I obeyed.
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