By request, I am resuming my blog. But this is why I didn't want to blog for a while....I'm not in the best condition. But I'm going to use this to be real. So, here goes.

I hate my life right now. I hate who I have become, I hate who I have made myself to be, I hate how I question myself, my God, my faith, I hate my selfish nature.

I am bulimic. I have been ever since I was anorexic in high school. I hate that I can't seem to overcome it. It comes and goes....gets worse, gets better. I lose and gain pounds all the time. I hate the battle. I hate that I always give in. I wish I could let God heal me....allow Him in to overcome. But I can't seem to break the pattern because I'm too selfish and controlling. I hate that I think about it all the time. I hate that I can't accept myself. I hate that I compare myself now to who I was in high school.

I hate how I see Satan working within the churches today. I hate him. I hate how he's sneaky and steals hearts and takes lives. I've been so disappointed lately with many people.....I have "Christian" friends who get plastered and think about living with their boyfriends. I see satan slowly sucking the life out of so many people.

You know, people just don't want to face their pasts. They run and run in any way they can.....hide themselves in materialism, try to find hobbies, things to fill their lives with, when the one true thing that will fill is waiting for them all the time. Why do I run to things? To people? To stuff that will never satisfy?

I thought about how I wanted to die yesterday. In a split second, I thought I could turn the wheel of my car in the middle of the highway and I'd go tumbling and tumbling into the median. I think about things like that here and there. Sometimes, it almost seems real...and I scare myself, because I know that's not what I want.

I want a loving, living God to be real to me.....to pull me up out of all this crap that I live in, to help me turn from self-pity to compassion for others. I want to live my life as a servant for His Kingdom, to live in truth and righteousness...for Him to be my entire life, my entire being. I want to be a walking example of how God changes lives.....of his miraculous power and mighty love and compassion for us. I desire purity and righteousness. I desire love.

God knows every thread of my being. He created me. He knows me. He loves me. How long before I realize I owe my entire life to Him? I am nothing, but He makes me something. I am not ignorant....I know the ways of the world. I have felt them and searched them, and I only find meaning in Him. Nothing else matters.

This is me. This is real. This is where I am and who I am right now. This is despiration, lost hopes, painful pasts....all wound together to make me. And God will take this crap and mold it into something beautiful. I do have a glimmer of hope for it. And I will be everything He made me to be. And I will stand on His rock, His solid foundation, and scream to the world of the love and compassion and freedom He has to offer. Someday.........I will dance freely before my Lord.

But for now, I wallow in my sorrow and drown in the tears I cry for my life and the ones before me that I see dwindling away into a world of meaninglessness.

God, show me how to lay all this before You.


I hope that my next blog can be better than this. But I can't lie and be someone I'm not.