Healing
The word on my mind tonight is "healing."
Over the past several years, I have dealt with some serious issues in my life, which I have addressed before, and never have I received complete healing from these aspects of my life, which combine both hurt and sin for me. Struggles. Hardships. Turning away from God. And though I desire freedom, I've come to realize that maybe I haven't desired it enough to give it all up for a relationship with Christ. I hold onto things, not willing to leave them behind. I often live in the past, I live in sin, I live amidst my selfish endeavors and within my own mind. I am detrimental to my own health. I hurt myself.....and yet, instead of choosing the path God has designed for me (which seems harder, but yet I know it offers optimal joy), I choose my path. My path of destruction.
Lately, I have found myself at a very low point in my life. At the moment, I have nothing to define myself. I have no job, I have no hobbies, and I have minimal faith, and so I am faced with....Me. I am faced with questions like "what defines me?" and "who am I....really?" I am left to explore. To discover. Who is this person I have lived with for 23 years? Who is she? I wonder if much of my life has been a lie.....I've lied to myself about who I really am and what I really enjoy. And in that process, I've left behind the most important parts of myself.....lost part of myself in the process. Now, I'd like to pick up the pieces and start from the beginning, but the question that follows is "how do I do that?"
I don't know.
And I also have to ask myself: Do I really want to get better? Do I really want to move on? Because part of me says that I like being this way. I like being sad. Cooped up. Selfish. Depressed. But that can't be true.
I wrote a letter of confession to Cathy a couple of days ago, and she sent me the most beautiful, heart-felt response. I just finished reading it. And so many thoughts go through my mind. There is a love shown that I can't understand. Why do people still love me even through all of my crap? My mind really can't comprehend it, but I know the only explanation is that it is not a humanly love, but instead Christ's love dwelling inside of Cathy.....and her obedience to listen.
I do desire freedom. I desire to find myself again.....the person who has been lost for so long in tears and depression and self-hatred.....the person who God made for the purpose of loving others in the deepest sense of the word, love that has no explanation except that it exists unconditionally for all people.
I hope tomorrow that I can get out and sort through some of these thoughts and emotions. Hopefully pray, which I have done very little of for a long time. I need to find some answers, and after living for 23 years and often trying to do things on my own, I have learned that the only real answers lay in the hands of a loving God.
I’d like to end this post with a song from Phantom of the Opera (which I watched tonight). This song reminded me of a conversation that might possibly exist between God and myself (or anyone else for that matter). It’s a song sung between Christine and Raoul. You can insert your name for Christine’s and God for Raoul’s. It’s pretty awesome.
All I Ask of You
Raoul
No more talk of darkness,
forget these wide-eyed fears;
I'm here, nothing can harm you,
my words will warm and calm you.
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears;
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you.
Christine
Say you'll love me every waking moment;
turn my head with talk of summertime.
Say you need me with you now and always;
promise me that all you say is true,
that's all I ask of you.
Raoul
Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light;
you're safe, no one will find you,
your fears are far behind you.
Christine
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night;
and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me.
Raoul
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;
let me lead you from you solitude.
Say you want me with you, here beside you,
anywhere you go, let me go too,
that's all I ask of you.
Christine
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.
Together
Say the word and I will follow you.
Share each day with me, each night, each morning.
Christine
Say you love me...
Raoul
You know I do.
Together
Love me, that's all I ask of you.
Love me...
that's all I ask of you.
Over the past several years, I have dealt with some serious issues in my life, which I have addressed before, and never have I received complete healing from these aspects of my life, which combine both hurt and sin for me. Struggles. Hardships. Turning away from God. And though I desire freedom, I've come to realize that maybe I haven't desired it enough to give it all up for a relationship with Christ. I hold onto things, not willing to leave them behind. I often live in the past, I live in sin, I live amidst my selfish endeavors and within my own mind. I am detrimental to my own health. I hurt myself.....and yet, instead of choosing the path God has designed for me (which seems harder, but yet I know it offers optimal joy), I choose my path. My path of destruction.
Lately, I have found myself at a very low point in my life. At the moment, I have nothing to define myself. I have no job, I have no hobbies, and I have minimal faith, and so I am faced with....Me. I am faced with questions like "what defines me?" and "who am I....really?" I am left to explore. To discover. Who is this person I have lived with for 23 years? Who is she? I wonder if much of my life has been a lie.....I've lied to myself about who I really am and what I really enjoy. And in that process, I've left behind the most important parts of myself.....lost part of myself in the process. Now, I'd like to pick up the pieces and start from the beginning, but the question that follows is "how do I do that?"
I don't know.
And I also have to ask myself: Do I really want to get better? Do I really want to move on? Because part of me says that I like being this way. I like being sad. Cooped up. Selfish. Depressed. But that can't be true.
I wrote a letter of confession to Cathy a couple of days ago, and she sent me the most beautiful, heart-felt response. I just finished reading it. And so many thoughts go through my mind. There is a love shown that I can't understand. Why do people still love me even through all of my crap? My mind really can't comprehend it, but I know the only explanation is that it is not a humanly love, but instead Christ's love dwelling inside of Cathy.....and her obedience to listen.
I do desire freedom. I desire to find myself again.....the person who has been lost for so long in tears and depression and self-hatred.....the person who God made for the purpose of loving others in the deepest sense of the word, love that has no explanation except that it exists unconditionally for all people.
I hope tomorrow that I can get out and sort through some of these thoughts and emotions. Hopefully pray, which I have done very little of for a long time. I need to find some answers, and after living for 23 years and often trying to do things on my own, I have learned that the only real answers lay in the hands of a loving God.
I’d like to end this post with a song from Phantom of the Opera (which I watched tonight). This song reminded me of a conversation that might possibly exist between God and myself (or anyone else for that matter). It’s a song sung between Christine and Raoul. You can insert your name for Christine’s and God for Raoul’s. It’s pretty awesome.
All I Ask of You
Raoul
No more talk of darkness,
forget these wide-eyed fears;
I'm here, nothing can harm you,
my words will warm and calm you.
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears;
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you.
Christine
Say you'll love me every waking moment;
turn my head with talk of summertime.
Say you need me with you now and always;
promise me that all you say is true,
that's all I ask of you.
Raoul
Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light;
you're safe, no one will find you,
your fears are far behind you.
Christine
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night;
and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me.
Raoul
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;
let me lead you from you solitude.
Say you want me with you, here beside you,
anywhere you go, let me go too,
that's all I ask of you.
Christine
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.
Together
Say the word and I will follow you.
Share each day with me, each night, each morning.
Christine
Say you love me...
Raoul
You know I do.
Together
Love me, that's all I ask of you.
Love me...
that's all I ask of you.
3 Comments:
*HUG* Kimmy, I know some of what you are going through. Some of the issues that you are going through I have gone through and still do, to some degree, on a daily basis. It is hard, very hard. I am sorry that you have to go through this and that Christi and I are not there to give you hugs, hugs, and more hugs.
It is hard. You want to know who you are, what you are becoming, what am I do here, and all of the wonderfully horrid questions that we ask yourself. I know this feeling. And sometimes when I am able to define myself, especially when I use my job situation or my marriage, I feel good about myself; at least for a day or two. In the end though it is just a hallow feeling. Nothing in this world will ever define you.
You know who can define you. That is the core of your definition. That is the core of who you are. No matter how much you may hate it or not understand it at times, it is who you are. As Cathy J. would say we all have a God shaped hole, and only God can fill it. That hole, and the filling He gives, is the center of us.
I have babbled my sister, which you know I can do very well. The feeling that I had while reading your blog was not of my own. The words are a poor substitute to what I am trying to say.
Go in peace my sister in Christ.
By
Eric, Wolf Shepherd, at 12:20 PM
Kimmy,
I am praying for you girl... I hope this doesn't seem like I am minimizing the issues, but have you ever had people pray for you about all the issues that you are going thru?? I mean it is a lot of deeper things than just what is on the surface. Like I know some people struggle with stuff that the enemy really works on them and even with strongholds or spirit attachments etc. Not trying to scare you, but I mean we have a very real enemy, and sometimes say depression for ex. I was told that there can be an actual spirit of depression... in which case you would bind that up and loose the opposite. Sometimes things we deal with are more spiritual in nature. And sometimes that means going to someone deeper in the faith to pray for you and help break that junk off. For you, I am not saying it is the end all be all, but there could be that chance you are dealing with spiritual stuff that needs broken off, and obviously deeper healing... that possibly being the case, YOU do need to take that first step....
Also, I think you may have written to this effect, but yes, you do have to want it and want it badly. I heard a story of a guy who dealt with smoking. He wanted to quit but just never could bring himself to. He got prayer a lot. Finally, one night he invited a friend of his who smoked to a prayer service. The guy went up for prayer for himself to get prayer for his smoking as well. That night he was delivered of smoking. His friend got mad at God and said "how come I have gotten prayer for years and still I smoke and my friend Bob gets prayer once and bam he is delivered?? God said "Frank, it's b/c you still enjoy smoking!!" That night he threw all his cigerettes away and never smoked again! He finally saw how detestable it was to him......
So, I am not contradicting myself on prayer but just saying as well sometimes it means that we have to so hate it that we detest it that we turn and flee the opposite direction... but also, getting prayer for the spiritual stuff... But no, that is where you put your foot down and say ENOUGH!!!
I mean, thinking back to Cleansing Streams etc. etc. maybe pray and see if sometime in your life a door was opened to where the enemy was allowed access into your life and whatever is going on is....
Some peeps may not agree with me on the spiritual stuff, but I do believe it is true and can be true and all. It is just things to consider.
None of this is easy I know.... but these are just thoughts... I know the Vineyard Tri-County does growth and healing Mon. nights and CLC church (CHristian Life CEnter) on St. Rt. 42 Mason Sharonville Exit does healing room prayer on every Thurs. from 2-8 no appt. needed...
Anyhoo, I am praying but have to get back to work!!
Love ya girl!! EM :-) <><
By
Anonymous, at 3:01 PM
Hey friends....thanks for the encouragement and advice. :)
By
Kimmy, at 10:08 PM
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