Watching the slides during church this past Sunday, I saw a picture of me from about 2 ½ years ago, and it really hit me hard. I’ve gained a lot of weight over the past couple years, and it just seems to keep getting worse. As I looked at the picture, I thought about how pretty I used to be…..I could even tell myself I looked good in that picture. But see, the thing is, I can remember back to that time, and at the time, I thought I was overweight. That’s the thing about my frame of mind. No matter what I look like, I can’t be happy with it. Satan has me trapped in this pattern of thinking where, to me, I will never be pretty enough, and I don’t know how to get out. I do know, though, that something has got to give, because my body continues to deteriorate. I’m scared of what’s going to happen soon if I don’t change. I can feel my body doing things that normal, healthy bodies don’t do. I need help.

And as I go through these patterns of thinking, it changes who I am and what I do. When I feel like this, I don’t want to go out, and I don’t bother to take care of myself or attempt to look nice at all. I wear hats, sweatshirts, and baggy pants because I don’t want to try to look good and have to be so disappointed when I look in the mirror. And, depending on how I feel, this even keeps me from wanting to spend time with my boyfriend. The inside of me is really looking forward to seeing him this weekend, but the rest of me says that I won’t look good enough to feel good enough to go see him. And if I continue to think this way, then it affects how I act around him too. If I don’t feel good about myself, I don’t treat him as good as he deserves. This is what I battle everyday. I feel chained, and it seems no matter what I try, I can’t break free. I keep telling myself that Ryan deserves a beautiful woman, and I know that God has made me beautiful….if I would allow my body to be the way it intended to be. But for now, I feel gross and overweight and very ugly, and Ryan deserves much better. I can’t seem to do this for myself, so can I do it for Ryan? I’d like to, but I can’t. For God? That should be my sole purpose. But I can’t even seem to do it for Him. I want so bad to be free from this, but not matter how hard I try, I can’t break free, and every day I hate myself a little more. It’s self-defeating, and I can’t bare it much longer. Lord, help me.