I think we all have pasts that we run from.....because we don't want to face the hurt, ask questions as to why things were the way they were. A lot of times, we become governed by our past.....haunted by it.....chained to it. Well, this is the past that haunts me:



These aren't the worst of it, and the smiles can be deceiving. Somedays I can shove it down pretty far and seem to forget, but other days, it's right there. It still affects my life....still creates part of me from which I wish to depart. Today....it feels bad. Today....it's haunting me. When will I let go of it and let God come in and heal? It's so hard......and it hurts so much.

I hope someday I have a sweet sweet story to tell....but for now, the pain is all too real. I still struggle. And the pain gets deeper every time I look at myself in the mirror. This kind of pain can't be cured with medicine or therapists, friends or boyfriends, family........No one can reach what needs to be reached but my God in a way that only He knows how. But how far do I have to go to find where He is? To go where He wants me to go? I know too much in my head, but nothing in my heart. I'm ready to go...but still standing still. I desire, but can't seem to move.