There are a lot of things on my mind and on my heart right now.....a lot to carry at once. Things never seem to make sense....kind of mixed up. I never really feel good enough, like I'm never doing enough....not living up to the standards of this world or of God. I feel kind of empty, yet at the same time, I still know that God is there, He's just not revealing Himself to me. I want to blame myself for that...but maybe this is part of what I need to see....to understand. I'm not sure. I'm tired and weary and worn and caving in, but at the same time, I feel a little renewed and a sense of anticipation about what's going on in my life. When I was prayed for at Vineyard, God said I needed to have confidence in who I am in Him. He also said that there is light shining and a door opening........what does that mean? Lord, where do I go? What is my life really about? I feel pain for a lot of things, but I feel hope for those same things. I feel lost, but kind of like I'm going in some direction, just not sure where. I feel a longing, but not really sure what exactly will satisfy it. I'm 21 and ready to feel like I know who I am!!! I feel like I still don't know....I can't even understand myself.

I do, however, see God working in those around me, and it's awesome. And I see Him using them to get to me as well.....I just have to allow them to enter.