Thursday nite about 1am, I was at the Miami library and decided to walk over to Alumni to visit my friend Murle while he was working on a project. When I arrived, we joked around and laughed some laughs, but before too long, we found ourselves in a serious conversation, which mostly consisted of me talking about myself and my life and my feelings about my spiritual walk. And, quite frankly, Murle just laid it out for me. See, I have these thoughts about myself all the time....about how I wish I was who I used to be, about how I've changed in many negative ways over the past 1-3 years, how I'm not the same person I once was, etc etc. And basically, for the first time, I heard someone outside of the head in my voice tell me those same things, and it was disturbing and heart-wrenching. Murle reminded me of how I used to be so outgoing, nice to everyone, always smiling, made everyone feel great.....and now, I don't seem like I care an ounce about anything. And really, he's right. I have changed a great deal, and not in ways that I really want to admit but that are pretty obvious by my fruits. It's a battle for me all the time....battling this idea that I'm becoming a person I don't want to be, kicking myself for not being who I used to be, wanting to change my ways, go back in time, be that smiling, fun-loving girl I once was......but to me, that means going back to my sophomore year in high school.

Anyway, point being, it really hit me hard, and I cried then, and all the way home, and then practically cried myself to sleep. I don't know that I'll ever be the same......what has happened to me over the past couple years? Something so blatant that even my friends notice the changes in me.....the same changes that I despise and run through my head over and over again, and yet feel like I have no power to control or change them. What's this all about? What's wrong with me?

Other thoughts: It was really awesome to have Megan in church tonight. I'm excited for her future, though I know it will not be easy for her. Such a sweet little girl. I'm also thinking of Vir, wondering how she is and why she wasn't at church. Also thinking of Ryan and his family, and how wonderful they are to me. And thinking of my grandma in her aloneness without her soul-mate, and thinking of Spenny and his minstry in his dorm, and thinking of my family and how much I love all of them, and thinking of Micah in Oklahoma and wondering how things are going for him, and thinking of my bud Ellen in Michigan, and thinking of Cathy, and thinking of David, Glenn, and Spen as they venture underground tomorrow, and thinking of Ian on his trip, and thinking of the newly weds (*grin*), and thinking of grad school and work and the GRE, and thinking of TJ, and thinking of Jesus.