The past week, I have felt very depressed. It's funny how people have noticed.....I'm usually good at hiding it, but I've had at least 3 people mention something this week. I'm not really sure what's wrong. I guess a combination of many things. Not having a sense of purpose and direction in my life, feeling left out and disconnected, feeling luggish and overweight...ugly. I don't really feel connected to my church family anymore, and I don't really feel connected to the people on Friday nites. In fact, people are in the other room right now, praying and stuff. I came in here because I just don't get it. I'm not connected with God. I feel so alone and so out there. I was hoping to see a friend tonight who didn't come as well, which I didn't really expect to come, but it's still disappointing. I want to know God on a deeper level....but it's not coming. I have too many freaking issues that get in the way. Sometimes I just feel like I want to run away....go somewhere where no one knows me and just hide. Or die. Or something. I don't know.

In reality, I really just want things to be right in my life. To stop hiding....to stop running.....to be free from this constant self-pity and sorrow. But I never have enough faith that God will do something. I never believe enough for Him to work. So much hate....and rage....toward myself. I wonder if I will ever accept myself, accept God, accept life. So much loving to be done, and I'm missing out because I can't love myself. What's wrong with me??? Will this ever go away? Will I always be stuck in this place? God, help me, before this disease kills me.