Well, here I am at home, Christmas Day, basking in my many gifts and mostly wasting the day away sleeping and watching our newly purchased CABLE TV (yes, we have more than 5 channels now!) on our honkin 55" surround sound HDTV, which my parents have had for a couple weeks now as a present to each other. Craziness. Anyway, I'm feeling rather lazy, but enjoying my time just sitting here typing on the computer.....I'm listening to Miranda Stone, one of 3 new CDs given to me by Mom and Pops. Delirious and Madison Greene are the other two I have yet to really sit down and jam to. Good stuff. I have also, as you can tell, figured out how to Audio Blog, so I've been having fun torturing Lacey and singing with her and my dad. I'm sure there will be many more Audio Blogs to come.
Anyway, I find myself content today, yet not fulfilled. I feel very distant, as I have over the last few weeks or months or years or something. I don't really feel like I am living my life. It's like I'm on the outside looking in....I don't REALLY experience anything. It's all a concept...kind of foreign. Not sure what that's all about. I am also finding myself thinking a lot about my friends....ones who are really close, ones who are just kind of casual, those I barely know, and those I've been good friends with in the past that have kind of dissipated. I'm thinking about the ones I wish I were closer to, the ones who struggle with family issues and are probably having a rough holiday, those who don't know Christ, those who have been so good to me even when I'm not good to them, and those I have regretfully judged unrighteously. I am thankful for all of them today. I miss them.
Today, I am also thankful for a God who loves me. I am thankful that He puts up with my poop, He tolerates my clumsiness, He forgives my faults, my bitterness, my emptiness. He still exists whether I choose to wake up and acknowledge Him or not. I am thankful that He keeps working even when I don't, that He keeps loving even when I don't, that He is greater than my greatest emptiness, He covers over my deepest sins. He forgives me even if other people don't. He is great and powerful and mysterious and wonderful and all the things I long to be but can't. I am who I am. I am a grain of sand at most, dust in the wind, blown by the smallest breeze, forever unsteady and emotional. Right now, this is who I am. I am not the person from the past. I am constantly changing depending on how much I allow God to work in me. But despite my many flaws and failures, despite how far I run, I am still a child of the living God, and He loves me. And I am thankful.
Merry Christmas to all.
Anyway, I find myself content today, yet not fulfilled. I feel very distant, as I have over the last few weeks or months or years or something. I don't really feel like I am living my life. It's like I'm on the outside looking in....I don't REALLY experience anything. It's all a concept...kind of foreign. Not sure what that's all about. I am also finding myself thinking a lot about my friends....ones who are really close, ones who are just kind of casual, those I barely know, and those I've been good friends with in the past that have kind of dissipated. I'm thinking about the ones I wish I were closer to, the ones who struggle with family issues and are probably having a rough holiday, those who don't know Christ, those who have been so good to me even when I'm not good to them, and those I have regretfully judged unrighteously. I am thankful for all of them today. I miss them.
Today, I am also thankful for a God who loves me. I am thankful that He puts up with my poop, He tolerates my clumsiness, He forgives my faults, my bitterness, my emptiness. He still exists whether I choose to wake up and acknowledge Him or not. I am thankful that He keeps working even when I don't, that He keeps loving even when I don't, that He is greater than my greatest emptiness, He covers over my deepest sins. He forgives me even if other people don't. He is great and powerful and mysterious and wonderful and all the things I long to be but can't. I am who I am. I am a grain of sand at most, dust in the wind, blown by the smallest breeze, forever unsteady and emotional. Right now, this is who I am. I am not the person from the past. I am constantly changing depending on how much I allow God to work in me. But despite my many flaws and failures, despite how far I run, I am still a child of the living God, and He loves me. And I am thankful.
Merry Christmas to all.
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