PSY 242 class today consisted of an entire period watching a movie about anorexia and bulimia and then discussing it with the class. It, of course, brought up a lot of issues for me, and I found myself on the verge of tears. I don't want to see myself as a victim, but rather someone who hasn't yet allowed herself to heal.....it is my problem and my issues, not someone else's fault by any means. It was hard, though, and I wanted so bad at that moment to just have someone to talk to....someone who would allow me to cry and talk and get it all out. But there was no one, at least, I didn't allow there to be anyone. And so I stuffed it all down again. I don't know what to do....or how to deal with this. This has all been the hardest part of my life since I can remember having a memory. Such a horrible epidemic in our country. I hope someday God can use my experiences to help others heal. For now, I'm sad and alone. Hating my body which has become 45 pounds heavier since entering college. Constantly dwelling on those thoughts. Afraid to go out sometimes because I know I am ugly. It really affects every aspect of my life...keeps me from hanging out with people, keeps me from getting things done, makes me lethargic all the time, makes me an angry, bitter person a lot of the time. I wish I knew how to help myself. I try to think I am getting better. I wish I knew how to help others, like my probably 90-pound swim fitness intructor, like some of the girls I see in my classes, like the girl I used to see when I went jogging at the rec. I understand them, but I can't help them. Why can't I just be normal like so many people? Why does this have to infiltrate every tiny speck of my life? It never leaves. Will it leave someday? Will it be gone? Will I ever be able to sit down at a meal without really thinking about it? Will I ever be able to go an hour without thinking about how much my body doesn't look like it should? Will I ever feel the freedom to dance because of the confidence I have in myself and in the beauty God has instilled in me? Right now, it seems like NO, NO, NO, NO, and NO.

Faith, Kim. Have faith.

And I apologize to everyone who has been affected by my sins. The times when I wanted to visit you, call you, hang out with you, but was restricted because of my bad choices and negative self-talk. I'm sorry for the times I haven't shown you the love I really wanted to show you because instead I was too busy feeling bad for myself. I'm sorry for staring at your name on IM but then deciding not to talk to you because I'm too depressed. I'm sorry for being a bad friend, family member, human being. I'm sorry.