well, church was very diverse in its emotional spectrum today. I went from making lattes for everyone to making everyon cry. It was a hard night that made me realize I am much more lost and directionless than I had even imagined. I am not ok with myself, and I am not ok with where I am at in my life. I feel like I need change, but maybe the trail isn't the change I am needing. I don't know. I am still planning on going, though, because I feel like that is the next phase of my life at the moment. I'll just end with a letter I wrote to the church tonight after thinking about some things :

To my friends:

I want to thank you guys for supporting me and loving me as you have for so long, and through so much stuff. I know that I have in no way made your lives any easier, less stressful, or less emotionally draining. I think tonight I suddenly became aware of my complete selfishness in the matter of choosing to hike the trail, and I’m really sorry that I did not consider other implications involving the people who love me the most. I guess this is the story of my life at this moment in time…..very self-involved and self-revolving. I guess hiking a trail by myself isn’t going to help that matter much, either.

After hearing everyone’s concerns tonight, and also being reminded that there is no place I can go where I can either run from my problems or automatically solve them, I had to consider whether or not my decision to hike the trail was in my best interest. I guess I just wish we had taken the time to have this conversation 3 months ago when I was just starting to plan for the trail. Now, I have a bus ticket to GA that is non-refundable and almost $2000 worth of food and equipment for the trail….not to mention the hours and hours and hours I have put into planning the trip and my meals. I think if I had seen your concerns and how I was hurting you then, I would most likely have given a second thought to hiking the trail. But I feel that now I have too much invested to make that decision. Maybe this isn’t the best path for me, and if so, then I will learn the hard way. But I think that regardless of my decision, God can use it to teach me something. In this case, that may mean a hard way to go, but I know I will grow from the experience regardless.

I’m sorry, too, that I did not think of the impact a 5-month absence would have on everyone. I just kind of saw it as a really long vacation or something. I’m not moving away really, just leaving for a while. And it is possible to keep in touch, through letters and phone and things. I guess I just didn’t think it was a big deal, but now I can see that I was taking it too lightly, and I’m sorry for that.

I know the trail is not going to solve anything for me. And I am not so naïve to think that I am going to figure anything out while hiking. In fact, I may come back more confused, depressed, directionless, and God-less than I am now, but that is a risk I am willing to take right now. Plus, I have this sense of adventure inside of me that needs to be satisfied. This isn’t all serious, life-altering stuff. It’s also about being in nature, enjoying God’s creation, and smelling really bad. I’m excited about it. I hope that maybe you can be excited for me, too.

I really love you all so much, and I will continue to love you all while I am on the trail, and I will love you all when I get back. This isn’t the end of my relationship with all of you. I don’t have it all figured out, but I’m just going to take it a day at a time and see what happens.

Thanks for understanding and loving me,

Kim