Living Sacrifice

Friday, October 29, 2004

PSY 242 class today consisted of an entire period watching a movie about anorexia and bulimia and then discussing it with the class. It, of course, brought up a lot of issues for me, and I found myself on the verge of tears. I don't want to see myself as a victim, but rather someone who hasn't yet allowed herself to is my problem and my issues, not someone else's fault by any means. It was hard, though, and I wanted so bad at that moment to just have someone to talk to....someone who would allow me to cry and talk and get it all out. But there was no one, at least, I didn't allow there to be anyone. And so I stuffed it all down again. I don't know what to do....or how to deal with this. This has all been the hardest part of my life since I can remember having a memory. Such a horrible epidemic in our country. I hope someday God can use my experiences to help others heal. For now, I'm sad and alone. Hating my body which has become 45 pounds heavier since entering college. Constantly dwelling on those thoughts. Afraid to go out sometimes because I know I am ugly. It really affects every aspect of my life...keeps me from hanging out with people, keeps me from getting things done, makes me lethargic all the time, makes me an angry, bitter person a lot of the time. I wish I knew how to help myself. I try to think I am getting better. I wish I knew how to help others, like my probably 90-pound swim fitness intructor, like some of the girls I see in my classes, like the girl I used to see when I went jogging at the rec. I understand them, but I can't help them. Why can't I just be normal like so many people? Why does this have to infiltrate every tiny speck of my life? It never leaves. Will it leave someday? Will it be gone? Will I ever be able to sit down at a meal without really thinking about it? Will I ever be able to go an hour without thinking about how much my body doesn't look like it should? Will I ever feel the freedom to dance because of the confidence I have in myself and in the beauty God has instilled in me? Right now, it seems like NO, NO, NO, NO, and NO.

Faith, Kim. Have faith.

And I apologize to everyone who has been affected by my sins. The times when I wanted to visit you, call you, hang out with you, but was restricted because of my bad choices and negative self-talk. I'm sorry for the times I haven't shown you the love I really wanted to show you because instead I was too busy feeling bad for myself. I'm sorry for staring at your name on IM but then deciding not to talk to you because I'm too depressed. I'm sorry for being a bad friend, family member, human being. I'm sorry.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Wow, so I’m really on a journey. Sometimes I love life, and sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I’m in love with people, and sometimes I just don’t want anything to do with them. The ups and downs of life….I’m experiencing them. Sometimes I just want to cry, sometimes I laugh and laugh. This is life.
I just feel like I have experienced so much the last week or so, and so many things are becoming so real to me, and I really think that God is starting to work in me because I am giving Him the opportunity. I mean, it’s gradual, because I’m gradual….only allowing the Lord in a little at a time. I feel like I have been away for so long. Where, I don’t really know. But I just feel like I’ve been away. And I feel that now, I am slowly being drawn back in, and that God is starting to show me things, good and bad, things that are blessings, and things that are a part of my past that are strongholds that I really need to face.
Sunday afternoon, I had the opportunity to talk with Bill, and he addressed the issue of unbelief and obedience. It really hit home with me. He is a great encouragement to me, and I’m glad that God has allowed me the opportunity to get to know him as a friend and brother in Christ. Through conversations, songs, and events of this week, I have also been consistently reminded that life is fragile and that, though it is said all the time, we really do take life for granted. I believe it is Biblical to live life day by day, and it’s been made apparent to me that I don’t do that. I just live life for tomorrow, waiting for something to happen, waiting for today to end, waiting for some moment that isn’t going to come because today is today and will never be again! And the Lord gives us opportunities to love every day. Today.
Also (yes, there is more!), I’ve been going through pregnancy counseling training in Middletown this week, and it is really blowing me out of the water. Girls who come into pregnancy centers are not simply coming with just the issue of whether they are pregnant or not. They are coming in with a very high likelihood of a childhood of abuse, with possible baggage from previous abortions, with weights on their mind that I can’t even imagine….parents who will reject them, churches who might not accept them, boyfriends who will beat them if they don’t have an abortion, a life of wanting so much to be loved and trying to fill that void will sex. I’m excited about the opportunity God has given me to minister to these girls, but also anxious about the situations I will encounter, the times when I might not know what to say…..and I know God will give me the strength, but there will be times when I talk to a girl and she will still go and decide to get an abortion, and I will have to deal with that, and also know that she is adding to her baggage and chains rather than making things easier. And, surprising to me, this counseling has also been ministering to ME about my sexual purity and integrity, and really been bringing up some issues in me. And it has made me totally aware of the importance of sexual purity and the beauty of sex in marriage, making me appreciate it even more that I did before. I’m really humbled and convicted about some things I’ve done. And God is taking me to a new level, and making me want to really commit this part of my life to Him.
OK, so I’m still going. One more thing that was really important that God has shown me this week that I think I knew before but just didn’t really know is that I have completely been living my life for man and man’s attention and approval. This is my confession. Even things that should be for God seem to have some way been for man. And when I say man, I mean people in general, but really, especially MEN. I have a serious problem. And I think God is going to help me deal with this. My weight, my appearance, and my past have a lot to do with it, but I live for approval, and instead, I want to live to please God! In all ways. That’s hard, and I know I will never be perfected in this, but I can certainly be better than I am right now. Because living life for man only leads to disappointment, and I think that might be one of many reasons I get so depressed all the time. I allow others to affect my mood so much, especially when I feel they are rejecting me (even though, in reality, in most cases they are not). And, even if they are, I need to learn to just deal with the fact that I AM going to be rejected by some people, and I can’t let it affect me so much as I have allowed it to in the past.
Whew, that’s a lot of stuff. I need to write more often! *grin* Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Any comments for discernment, encouragement, confrontation about sins/misperceptions….whatever….are welcome!

Monday, October 04, 2004

"This is your life. Are you who you wanna be?" -Switchfoot

I guess this is kind of what's on my mind tonight. I think I've blogged about this before...almost sure of it, but it's on my mind and I'm going to write about it again. I remember something Glenn talked about a long time ago that really stuck in my head....about our lives being "out there" we are always striving for something that is never really quite our lives right now. For example, living my life thinking "well....I'll graduate from college, THEN my life will start," kind of leaving my present life as a small slice of something greater...."out there." But really, that "out there" never comes. There will always be something greater for which we strive to achieve. A bigger house, a new car, a promotion, higher education, etc. There's always that stuff. But if we are always living in the "out there," then we are missing out on life entirely....the life "right now." If my life is "out there," then I live my life planning for that moment of change and miss the opportunities of current that are right in front of my face. To live my life "out there" is to be greatly disappointed in the end, that the "out there" was not really what I expected it to be anyway...that it's not as fulfilling or meaningful as I had anticipated it to be. Our lives are not only "out there" but "right here and right now." This is my life. This is your life. And as far as we know, there may not be an "out there." Life is precious and short, and we don't really control when it ends or begins. God meant us to live day to day. Not that planning and goal-setting is bad, but it can't rule the way we live our lives day to day. Otherwise, we're not really living, but instead, slowly dying.

Spawning out of these thoughts, I have some things I need to remind myself of, so I'm typing them out: I am NOT my job, I am NOT where I live or the things that I own, I am NOT how much money I make, I am NOT my looks (a biggie for me), I am NOT how smart I am, I am NOT all the things I accomplish in my life. I am me, the way God made me, to serve. I am His love that dwells in me, I am His child, I am His forever, I live to die for Him. I am a sister in Christ to all my family of believers. I am a light to dark places because of Christ. spirit groans to know these things deep in my heart. I need to know these things. To KNOW them. To not let the pressures of the world tell me differently.

But then another part of me says "Maybe you are just scared of trying. Maybe you are afraid of failure, and so you want a way out. You are afraid to learn, afraid to achieve, afraid to work hard at something."

I don't know. I just don't know. Is this me giving up because of fear? Or is it me giving in to His plan for me because of lack of fear in His provision for me? Maybe both?