I've been putting off blogging for a few days because I haven't really been sure what to write about. It seems that so much is going on, yet at the same time, not really all that much, if that makes sense at all. I now have my resume finished, and it's ready to be sent away to at least a couple places, but I keep putting it off....all I have to do is print it out and send it.......but I'm having a hard time doing that. Fear, mostly, I suppose, though I don't really know what I have to fear.......God has a place for me somewhere. I need to deal with some trust issues.

I went to a prayer night at OBF from 12am to 7am on Thursday night/Friday morning. It was really really awesome.....to see people gathering so late to unite and seek God. I found out that the owner of Kofenya is not only really nice and good with business, but is also a fantastic singer and worshiper (she as one of many people who played and sang for worship during the night). The whole night really reminded me of a house of prayer. Some structure, yet not really at all, yet it all still went so smoothly. Very sweet scriptures shared spontaneously, and this one thing that a girl named Megan shared about communion was just completely awe-striking. I asked her for a copy, found out she was in one of my classes with me, and so she's bringing me a copy sometime soon. If it's not too long, I plan to type it up and post it on here, because it's incredible....about the symbolism of communion and Christ's relationship and sacrifice for us. It's awesome.

Random Note: I thought for a couple seconds that I broke my foot today. Haha I was be-bopping around my apartment, and my foot went sideways. Down I went! I think I did hear something crack or pop or something, but after a couple seconds I got up and walked it off. Now it's just a little swollen I think and kind of sore, but nothing to be concerned about I don't think. Just makes for a good laugh. That's what I get for prancing around my apartment.

Anyway, to sum up my life right now, I feel like God is showing me a lot of truths, some that I need to deal with directly, and some to encourage me. I'm excited about what He's doing in my life and the lives of those around me. I see people who are so passionate about His love, people who really want to seek His face and are desiring something deeper than what our culture can offer. I'm excited about finding that deep place to dwell with my Father. His love is so great. So great.

On that note, time for bed. Not sleeping for one night really plays a toll, especially by 1:30am the next night.

I finally broke down and bought a new battery today after having to go knocking door to door in town to find someone to jump start my car. I did meet a cool dude, though, named Joe, who was nice enough to brave the cold to help me. That makes about the 15th time I've had to jump start my car in the past few months, probably 6 times in just the past couple months. Well, something like that. Regardless, I'm definitely an expert now, so if anyone ever needs a jump, just call me up. Kind of like AAA. No membership needed. :)

A quote from my human sexuality teacher that I found rather interesting since "trust" seems to be a frequent theme for me lately in my relationship with God:

"If you don't have trust, you can't have intimacy."

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Sorry for the last post. I knew I would regret it, and I even thought about deleting it, but then I felt like I would be denying a part of myself and my realness and my feelings, so I'll leave it. Regardless, I feel much better today, and I just finished having an absolutely incredible meeting with two of my closest sisters in Christ. I have a feeling God is up to some sweet stuff, and I'm excited to be a part of it.

I said something about good things happening yesterday. One of those was my time spent with McKenzie (my little "sister"). We just connected yesterday like we haven't quite yet before, and it was so much fun. We had this really funny way of saying "Steak and Shake" when we were on our way to eat there, and we just couldn't stop laughing. I loved it. We also spent some time earlier at the coffee shop, and also purchased some Fimo clay with which to make beads for necklaces, which we will work on next time. I didn't really know I could connect that well with a 9-year-old, but it happened yesterday. I can only hope that she is gaining as much from me as I am from her.

I'm going to have to apologize ahead of time, and I know I'm going to regret this, but I am soooo angry and upset right now, and I'm just gonna hash it out on here because that's how I feel and I want to be real. I really feel like dropping a whole line of flyin F-bombs, but I do my best not to cuss, and so I won't, but I sure feel like it.

I'm so tired of people. Especially college students. I think it was just a combination of a bunch of little things tonight that just put me over the edge. My generation is a generation of "Give it to me because I said so" and "I deserve this" and "It's all about me." By the way, all my issues tonight were with college students at the theater. First, I had a girl get all flustered at me because we charge 25 cents for a cup of water. 1, it's not my rule. 2, I can't do anything about it. 3, I don't want to hear whining. She goes to a really expensive college and she's seeing a movie. What's an extra 25 cents?!?! Next, these 3 guys came in to see a movie. One (at least that I could tell) had a bag of food from the Submarine House. Victor told them that no outside food was allowed, and they kind of mumbled and the one started shoving the food in his mouth, finishing about half of it as they continued down the hallway. I SAT THERE AND WATCHED THEM AS THEY PROCEDED RIGHT INTO THE THEATER WITH THE REST OF THE FOOD. And they saw me watchting them! How rude! And disrespectful. That's like having an attitude of "You're a piece of crap, I don't have to listen to you, and I'm going to do whatever the heck I want." Thirdly, another group of guys came in, one which I know from a French class my sophomore year here at Miami. I said hi and everything, and they went into the theater. As a side note, I have this little cup that I use to eat popcorn with. Anyway, I went to do a theater check in another theater, and I came back, and my popcorn cup was gone. I figured someone stole it, so I went into another theater and sneakily spied on the guys I thought took it. The theater smelled of alcohol. I sat and watched as they all passed dip around (NOT ALLOWED IN THE THEATER), and then stared as one of them SPIT INTO MY CUP. So....I asked for it back. Right in the middle of the movie. I said "can I have my cup back?" And they were in shock, and gave it back. Later, when I was cleaning that movie, I found not one, but two bags from the Submarine House on the floor in the front, and then a bunch of beer cans where my dipping buddies had been sitting.
I know that this all probably sounds so trivial, but I think my problem tonight was I just felt so walked on. Taken advantage of. And then I relate it all back to my appearance. I feel like because I am not attractive that people think they can just walk all over me.....even GUYS THAT I KNOW FROM CLASS WHO I THOUGHT WERE HALF-WAY DECENT PEOPLE. "If I was beautiful...." After all that happened, I went in the back hallway of the theater and cried for a while. And now I'm crying. These small things ended up making a big deal to me. I didn't want to be angry or hateful, but I was anyway.

This kind of led me to a tangent line of thinking. I'm so scared of people not liking me. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me. I feel like my friendships are so conditional. Every time I talk to a relatively new/distant friend, I am afraid that this may be the last time I talk to him because I'll say something to make him not like me. I could list a whole list of people that I'm afraid won't like me the next time I talk to them. All of them guys. Why is this? When I don't talk to someone or they don't call me, all of a sudden, it's something I've done or said or they've found someone else that they like better than me, etc. It's a horrible way to go about my day, worrying about saying the right things and doing things right to make sure my friendships last. Why? I don't know.

Not sure that is very related to the theater, but some how that's what came out. Sorry for rambling and ranting. I needed to get it out. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'll shoot for a more optimistic post next time (there were some cool things that happened today).

Had a meeting tonight with Glenn that was much needed, and it rocked. It's very hard for me to talk about things sometimes....even if it is simple things.....and then that builds up over time and churns emotions and causes me to have other feelings that may not even necessarily relate to the root problem. When communication doesn't occur, things get ugly inside because there is no one on the outside to help me see the truth and from a different perspective than my own. I am so thankful, in this case, for Spencer, Glenn, Kara, and Virgi who all patiently listened and all played different parts in helping me see truth and talk about things and communicate my feelings. Never have I lived in such openness to the sharing of not only feelings and emotions but also of a deep desire to see a movement of God within the hearts of God's people and outside of the Church.

I am so thankful for Glenn's willingness tonight to travel with me on this journey of questioning and doubt and even some emptiness and confusion, and for Cathy's sacrifice of time with her husband so he had the opportunity to talk through these things with me. I have been extremely blessed to get to know them both over the past 3 or so years, and I've begun to think about life in a few months and where I will be....and whether they will become a more distant part of that if I decide to move away to work somewhere else.......

I won't dwell on that for now....I will deal with it when it comes. But in the meantime, I am so happy for God's people and the amazing works He does through them...small things, big things, whatever it may be. Tonight, it just meant connecting with my brother in Christ, and through that process, God was revealed and glorified. I know He was a part of our discussion, and it was amazing. And I was also reminded tonight of how much Glenn has allowed God to change and work in him over the past few years. Huge changes that are very apparent, and I praise God and also commend Glenn on being submissive to God's will in order to allow God to make such changes.

I learned (or was reminded) of a couple things tonight, with which I will close out this blog so I can go to bed. One, that God is so willing to work with us and for us and for His glory if we only allow the means for it to happen, such as a submissive heart. And secondly, communication is so very important in any type of relationship and can make a world of difference. It allows sharing and connecting and, quite simply, loving one another.

A 2-hour phone conversation with a really awesome friend is both edifying to the mind and medicine to the soul. And it’s just fun.


Dreaming up all kinds of wild adventures in which to partake. :)
And adding my own character to everything. ;)

Wow, learning a lot about our society and culture today. I found out that my FSW 365 class is Human Sexuality. Yikes! Already, I've seen pictures that I would not really expect to see unless I was buying a porn magazine. I'm wondering how I'm going to deal with all of it......there's just some things I don't want to know! At least not until I'm married. I'd rather find out on my own than read a text book and see pictures. Ick. I hope maybe something good can come from it, but right now, it's just making me think about things I really don't want to think about, and it's dredging up past experiences in my life that I feel a lot of guilt about. Neither good things. Or maybe in some way it will be.....I don't know. I almost just want to take a stand and say "I can't take this class because it goes against my beliefs and will inflict harm on my relationship with God." But, I also think that would mean giving up my possibility of a Family Relationships minor. ??

The second thing that was kind of a crazy "learning" experience for me was a run-in I had at the theater with a friend I lifted with last semester. We got to know each other a little bit while we lifted, and he happened to stop by the theater tonight. So we talked for a bit, I closed the theater, and he invited me to his buddy's place. So, I decided to go over for just a little bit and hang out. So....I had my first experience with watching people roll and smoke pot. It's probably strange that I'm 22 and haven't had any experience at all with it yet...the closest thing has been watching Jared roll his own cigarettes. haha. Of course, I've read all about drugs and pot and everything else, as well as heard many personal experiences, but never really expereinced it "live." By any means, it was interesting I guess. Of course I didn't smoke any, but I watched with great interest and wondered "why is it that people do this?" Not really in a condemning way.....just in a way of really wondering what drives people to do the things they do.

So, sex and pot today. Wow. I feel like a whole new person....... *weird face* There's certainly not much innocence left in the world. Sometimes I am a little jealous of the little children....so protected from the grossness and harshness and ugliness of the world. Pure. Whole. Innocent. And free. Where is the line when everything becomes so real and messed up?

I can't get my song to work....sorry about the previous post. If I ever figure out how, I'll post it some other time, but all the internet uploading places have a limit of 10mb per upload, and my song is about 10.5mb. Stink. If you really want to hear it, just IM me or something and I'll send it to you. But it's really not worth all the hassel.

I went to Shaina's baby shower on Saturday with Vir and Christi. The last time I went to one of those, it was for my mom and I was 7. So, it was quite an experience for me. I don't think anything could be more girly than a baby shower. All these ladies sit around, some married, some not, some with their own babies, some not, and eat nice little snackies and talk. Later, the pregnant woman (in this case, Shaina) opens all kinds of gifts while everyone sits around and watches. It was fun, and I can see why guys don't come. You know, they just really don't want to know about breast milk bags and wipes, spit up cloths, butt balms, etc. haha Sure opened my eyes a bit.

Anyway, going to the shower really heightened some thinking patterns I've had lately. I have been feeling that maybe God is calling me to be more feminine, to be a woman like He made me to be. Since I can remember, I've been into sports and being strong and keeping up with the guys. I never wanted to be girly. Past a certain age, I hated dressing up. All the volleyball girls would want to dress up on game days, and my best friend and I would protest. We wanted to wear jeans, not dresses!

But now I am starting to ask myself: why do you insist on being so strong and unfeminine? Are you trying to prove something? Is it pride? Is it insecurity? Why do you wear pajama pants and hats and sweatshirts all the time? I say that it's just "me," but now I'm beginning to wonder.....is it? I don't think I've known a life where I feel like I don't have to prove myself......I have to prove that I am strong, smart, and different....unconforming.

I don't really know where I am going with this, but it's been on my mind, especially with things like baby showers going on. Girly things. God made me a woman. Why do I not have confidence in that? I hope to explore this more with God. It seems that when I think about it enough, there's a lot of pain and hurt there.

Lots of good things going on lately, but also a lot of crazy things, things getting me stirred up. I'm not going to go into detail, but overall, it's all for the good because I know that God works that way. In fact, I guess I should be praising Him for stirrings because that's ultimately how I will learn and grow. And He's still God, and still Lord of all and Lord of me. :)

Got to spend some quality time with Ian yesterday and little today. He's going off to Bowling Green on Sunday, so I won't see him for quite a while probably. He's a great pal....one of those that makes me laugh and laugh. I'll miss him while he's gone.

I find myself thinking a lot about my future, which is natural for someone who is going to graduate in May.....but now I'm starting to allow fear to creep in, and I often let the world pressures get to me....you know, those little voices that tell me I have to do something that pays a bunch of money....something that will "define" me. It's hard to get away from that. Quite frankly, I just don't have any idea what God has in store for my future, career and otherwise. And that's ok. Maybe He's really going to test my trust. And I know, that regardless of where I am and what the world says, He's still going to work through me, which is always exciting. But, beyond that, I am human and I'm even worried just about this semester and being able to keep up with classes and two jobs and all the other random things I have going on. More trust issues. Hmmmm.....maybe a theme? :) Something to work on, that's for sure.

Beyond that, I've been having a great time hanging out with people over break, and I hate to see all my relaxation and time with friends end as the semester starts back up.....maybe it doesn't have to? Something else to work on.....

And, on the side, I still love music a lot and am trying to find my creativity in writing songs for myself and for God, and maybe even to minister to others. Wherever that goes, however it will be used. I haven't recorded for a long time, mostly because of the condition of my computer. But, I finally just said "heck with the computer" and I recorded a song anyway. The computer only crashed once, so I had to start all over, but only once, so it wasn't so bad. If you are interested at all, I think I figured out how to upload the song so you all can hear it. So, here tis:
Glass

By the way, Micah...if you listen to this, excuse my horrid violin! And to everyone else, sorry about the sound quality. I record with a computer microphone and a low grade guitar. It works for me. :) Not sure how easy it is to hear the lyrics, but if you're really that interested, just post a comment and I'll post the lyrics sometime.