Living Sacrifice

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Well, my age finally matches my license plate. Yep, I’ve been waiting for this day for several years. Haha Just kidding. But at least it’s more relevant than having my high school softball number on my plates. One more year, and Kimmy22 is gone for good.
No parties this year, no sleep-overs with little girlies running all around my house, no co-ed hang-outs at my place, no drunken get-togethers (don’t worry, I’ve never had one of those)…..almost just an ordinary day. But that’s what birthdays become when you get older, right? Just another day.

However, there were still quite a few things/people that made my birthday special this year, so I thought I’d run those by. Nice to know that my birth meant something to at least SOME people. Haha And by the way, when I was home, my grandpa and I were talking about how the PARENTS should be acknowledged on birthdays, not the child! So, happy day of my birth to my mom who went through the trouble and my dad who made it possible. *grin*
So, here’s my list of cool things that made this day a little out-of-the-ordinary (well, starting with last night):

Last night, I scrubbed my toilet with my new toilet brush (thanks Lace! *smile*). I woke up this morning and sipped a hot chocolate instead of coffee. MMMMM. I checked my brand new cell phone to see if I had any messages. I read a happy birthday message in my email from Cathy. I looked at the check sitting on my desk from my grandma, and used a new sample spoon she gave me to eat my breakfast (my whole really nice silverware set sits at home home and is finally complete). Listened to a phone message of the most AMAZINGLY sung happy birthday by none other than Neal Spencer himself. Awesome. Was picked up outside Benton Hall where my DAD (yes, he came all the way to Oxford!) picked me up and took me to get a vanilla latté at the new coffee shop. Another MMMMMM! Was presented with a dozen beautiful roses from my pa. Got another message on my phone…this time from my boss singing crazy birthday things to me. It was great. Talked to my momma on the phone, got a few birthday cards (including a little pic from little Lace and one birthday card that excited the bejeebies out of me…..from Micah!! All the way in Oklahoma, and he remembered my birthday! Not only that, but the card got here on the exact day, and reading it made me get all weepy eyed. Haha Thanks Micah!). Had two more birthday song serenades, one being my dad and the other Jason (who whistled the whole birthday tune, as well as left another message with strictly fart noises), saw the most beautifully painted sky just for me on the way home from Middletown, played a rockin game of tennis with Spencer and with my BRAND NEW TENNIS RACKET! Yeah! And now, here I am at home, relishing in the day’s blessings. Still more to come….Jason and Andrea are stopping by later. So many good things today! Maybe it wasn't so ordinary after all. *smile*

Oh, and to add to things, while I was home this past weekend, I was sung happy birthday while 2 candles (you know, 22) sat in a pile of ice cream! I was also offered a brand new TV from my parents, but just couldn’t bring myself to keep it with a clear conscious, knowing that I have a perfectly fine (though a little old) TV sitting in my apartment already. So, that will be returned, which is fine because the new cell phone was a little more expensive than planned.

So that’s a wrap! Happy birthday to me, for the 22nd time. Hehe And thanks to everyone for making it such an awesome day. Love u all very much.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

OK, I was trying to study again, and all of a sudden, this thought popped in my head. I don't know if it is significant, but I think that it is, or will be sometime. It's a memory, and I really think that people must be praying for me. I just know. But anyway, I'm always dwelling on how happy I used to know "the person I once was" as the song lyrics in my previous post say. I always think that I had it all together, that things were great, especially my first year of high school. Well, I just had a memory.....It was my freshman year in high school, and I was on the phone with my boyfriend at the time, and I was just crying and crying, harder than I had probably ever cried before. And I cried on the phone for like an hour, and more after I hung up I think. My boyfriend just sat there and listened, and tried to comfort me. It was comforting that he was willing to listen and support me in my time of total breakdown. But in all reality, besides giving me a feeling of belonging and love, there wasn't anything he could do to stop me from crying. And I remember telling him that I wasn't really sure what was wrong with me. And I just kept crying....and I mean crying. I remember my mom heard me, too, and I think I remember her holding me and trying to comfort me.

I have no idea why this popped in my head. I mean, I was sitting here thinking about how I wish there was someone here to hold me as I just let everything out and cry until I can't cry anymore....I guess that's why. But I had forgotten about that moment my freshman year until just now. Proof that I didn't have it all together then, either. Comforting and disturbing at the same time.

Well, I was just sitting here trying to study and decided to listen to some music. Don't know why, but I felt like listening to "Piece of Glass" by Caedmon's Call. Sure enough, a few times through and the tears were streaming. Still are. Kind of crazy how certain songs can touch us in a certain way. This one's deep.

Can’t believe that I did it again
Wake me up from this nightmare
‘Cause this monster is filling me up, filling me out.

Everyday I live a bit less; one night leads to another.
Even if I went back they would recognize me or criticize me.

Who are you that lies when you stare at my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was?
Cause I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie,
On you I just can't rely,

After all you're just a piece of glass.

Still this nightmare's all mine, when I call him, he answers.
I can tell him when to come, when to stay.

Sometimes I'm weaker than he is, is he just letting me win?
He can tell me when to come, when to stay.

Who are you that lies when you stare at my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was?
Cause I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie,
On you I just can't rely,

After all you're just a piece of glass.

Don’t talk, listen.
Hold me tighter.
Stay with me just for a while,
Until the sun shines stay with me,
Just give me one more day.

Who are you that cries when you stare at my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was?
Cause we're not the same, you're just a picture of me,
You’re gone as soon as I leave; you've lived my life for me,
And you're no more than a piece of glass.
You're no more than just a piece of glass.

-Caedmon's Call

It's been a little while....I apologize. Been too busy thinking and meandering around Ohio.

I actually shouldn't take too much time on this much is on my mind, but I have an exam on Thursday that I've really neglected to study for, so I need to use any extra time I have to study for it. However, I will blog for a couple minutes.

I went to Vir's friend's house (Bill) on Friday for a prayer/worship thing. I had to leave after only 45 minutes because I needed to work at the theater, and really, not much happened in those 45 minutes as people just continued arriving and such. BUT....I feel like I got so much out of just being there for those few moments. Bill is amazing. It was "while I was praying about this" or "God showed me this" or "I felt like God wanted me to do this" etc etc. I almost forgot that there are people out there that are so in tune with God....thoughts of Him consuming every moment of time and every ounce of being. I've forgotten what that's like, to see God in every little thing. Sometimes I feel like I've almost lost God completely, but then there are people like Vir and Bill who remind me that God does still exist and is very real. I didn't learn much on Friday, but I got a small sniff of the beautiful frangrance God has created for us, a fragrance I've almost completely forgotten. It felt good, even if it was only for a few moments. I hope God continues to draw me and that I learn how to get past whatever it is that is blocking me from Him.

Anyway, I'd like to end with a bit of advice my former piano teacher gave to my mom to give to me. Here it tis:

-When you are feeling depressed, pray for other people. You will see things really aren't so bad for you, because there are always others worse off. If you focus on yourself, you'll only be heading toward a dead-end street.

Man, ain't that the truth?

Monday, September 13, 2004

Never have I felt so lost and low.....well, I probably have, but this feels awful. I just went to meet with an academic advisor.....I don't know what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting him to play God and give me direction. Or maybe I was expecting him to say "hey, here's an idea. Maybe you should try this...go this way." But instead, I got nothing. After talking to him, I feel like I've wasted 4 years of my life. He basically told me that if I'm not sure what I want to do, I'm definitely not ready for grad school (which I agree, but then it leaves me with WHAT THE CRAP DO I DO FROM HERE??) I have no direction, no aspirations, no idea what the heck I'm doing. I really almost started crying in his office. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm taking classes I care nothing about, I will probably end up getting a job that pays less than a job I could have gotten WITHOUT a college education, I hate myself, and I feel like I have completely lost God. I have lost hope for my life. As soon as I left the office of the advisor, the tears just started streaming, and I had to go into the bathroom so I could cry. I'm crying now. What the heck has happened to my life? Everything is falling apart. Still crying. Never ever did I imagine I would ever feel so lost and worthless in my life. I remember getting voted in school as "the most likely to succeed" among many other things.....and here I am, hating school and probably going to have to just find some random job that I hate because I don't know what else to do with my life.

Well, there's no one here to talk to, to cry with, so I had to write this out to at least feel like I got it out. Sorry for dumping it on whoever reads this.

Gotta go to Hamilton to drop off a book. Life goes on.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Just got back from seeing Garden State with Vir. I loved it. Granted, you have to get past the drug usage scenes and a couple sex scenes, but besides those things, it was great. It's just one of those life movies that really makes you think about yourself and the people around you and how you are choosing to live. Life is about choices, and that's what the movie is all about, at least I thought so. Choosing to live, choosing to die, choosing to settle for less, choosing to strive for more. I would recommend this movie, but only if you can handle drug scenes and close your eyes and ears during the sex stuff. I don't want to be causing anyone to stumble, if ya catch my drift. And NOT recommended for anyone under the age of AT LEAST 18. It's def an adult movie I'd say.
On other notes, today (Sept 9th) is one of my best friend from high school's birthday. I don't think he ever reads my blog, or even knows it exists, but just in case, I wanted to post this and let him know that I think about him now and then and that my memories of our times together in middle and high school are always fun and good ones. :) Miss ya, Billy.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

I feel like I just drove my car off the lot for the first time. It's all nice and clean, thanks to Glenn Johnson's personal cleaning service. Sure is nice to have such cool peeps around, especially ones who like to do things for free. :) hehe You rock, Glennerator, and not just because you are good at cleaning things.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Thursday nite about 1am, I was at the Miami library and decided to walk over to Alumni to visit my friend Murle while he was working on a project. When I arrived, we joked around and laughed some laughs, but before too long, we found ourselves in a serious conversation, which mostly consisted of me talking about myself and my life and my feelings about my spiritual walk. And, quite frankly, Murle just laid it out for me. See, I have these thoughts about myself all the time....about how I wish I was who I used to be, about how I've changed in many negative ways over the past 1-3 years, how I'm not the same person I once was, etc etc. And basically, for the first time, I heard someone outside of the head in my voice tell me those same things, and it was disturbing and heart-wrenching. Murle reminded me of how I used to be so outgoing, nice to everyone, always smiling, made everyone feel great.....and now, I don't seem like I care an ounce about anything. And really, he's right. I have changed a great deal, and not in ways that I really want to admit but that are pretty obvious by my fruits. It's a battle for me all the time....battling this idea that I'm becoming a person I don't want to be, kicking myself for not being who I used to be, wanting to change my ways, go back in time, be that smiling, fun-loving girl I once was......but to me, that means going back to my sophomore year in high school.

Anyway, point being, it really hit me hard, and I cried then, and all the way home, and then practically cried myself to sleep. I don't know that I'll ever be the same......what has happened to me over the past couple years? Something so blatant that even my friends notice the changes in me.....the same changes that I despise and run through my head over and over again, and yet feel like I have no power to control or change them. What's this all about? What's wrong with me?

Other thoughts: It was really awesome to have Megan in church tonight. I'm excited for her future, though I know it will not be easy for her. Such a sweet little girl. I'm also thinking of Vir, wondering how she is and why she wasn't at church. Also thinking of Ryan and his family, and how wonderful they are to me. And thinking of my grandma in her aloneness without her soul-mate, and thinking of Spenny and his minstry in his dorm, and thinking of my family and how much I love all of them, and thinking of Micah in Oklahoma and wondering how things are going for him, and thinking of my bud Ellen in Michigan, and thinking of Cathy, and thinking of David, Glenn, and Spen as they venture underground tomorrow, and thinking of Ian on his trip, and thinking of the newly weds (*grin*), and thinking of grad school and work and the GRE, and thinking of TJ, and thinking of Jesus.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

I read the first 3 chapters of Jeremiah today. I want to read them again. The way God speaks to the Israelites reminds me of myself. Several references to Israel as a wife and to God as the husband, which always fascinates me, but it was the unfaithfulness of the wife of which God was speaking that reminded me of myself. Makes me see myself for the whore that I really am, always abandoning God for "lovers less wild" as one of my favorite musical artists Derek Webb puts it. Why am I always willing to compromise such a great Love to go off and be promiscuous with ideas, people, thoughts, and dreams as I leave behind my true Husband? I long for my Lover as the deer pants for water (Psalm 42:1), and yet I turn my back on Him and instead turn to earthly things to quench a thirst that is never quite quenched by things of this world. Why do I doubt Him? Why do I question Him? Why can't I just have faith like a child (Matthew 18:3) and fall into His loving arms as His daughter? I continue to run.....I run from my depression, from my future, from failure, from my past. Yet, there is something inside that won't let me give up. Sometimes I feel hopeless, friendless, but yet something beyond me tells me to keep hanging on. You know, my life is easy....but I make it so hard. I see others around me suffering so much greater things, and still I focus on my measly problems. I think of people across the continent who are hungry and dying, some who are suffering for their faith, and here I sit in an air-conditioned library, ready and able to walk to a preppy college class in my decent clothes with my cell phone nearby and a nice apartment to go home to at night, thinking I have problems.

I need rescued from this pit of selfish lies and bitterness. I need a change of heart; the kind that can only come from God. Otherwise, I will continue to face the REAL me, who is bitter and resentful and hateful. The me without God. Scary.