Living Sacrifice

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I don't really remember how, but Justin and I got on this topic of doing crazy things. Well, we sort of made a deal. I'm not sure how sealed this deal is, but we both sort of agreed to do something a little crazy. I think Justin is going to get his ears pierced. I haven't decided what I am going to do yet. Tatoos are out. Short hair cut....maybe. Coloring my hair.....maybe. Some kind of piercing....possibly. Hmmmmmm. This could be interesting. I don't know if I'm going to keep up my end of the deal here, Justin. What about sky-diving?

By the way, I suddenly feel extremely depressed. *sigh* Maybe it'll be better when I wake up tomorrow.

A couple pics from my weekend in BG taken by Ian the great.

Monday, January 30, 2006

TJ was back at church last night. I was able to visit with him and his family and then bring him back to Oxford with me. By the way, they gave me a $50 gift certificate to Bass Pro. I have no idea why people are so great to me. I don't deserve it. But anyway, it was wonderful to have TJ there at church. We also sang one of Cathy's favorite songs, and it seems like it's been forever since we sang it. I paid more attention to the lyrics this time and decided that I really like it. They are at the bottom.

I bought my pack yesterday! :) I really like it. I think it fits well, and I went walking around at 2:30 in the morning last night to test it out. I had to laugh thinking about the people driving by and what they must wonder about some girl hiking around Oxford with a huge pack at almost 3 in the morning. It was fun. And I didn't really worry about anyone bothering me. I figured they'd be too afraid to mess with someone with two trekking poles and a large backpack. :)

I love the little things in life. Last night at church, we were having a discussion, and Jason was on his way back from the kitchen. Without saying anything at all, he walked past me and put a white chocolate chip on my leg and then went and sat down. It made me so happy, and I'm not even really sure why. :) I ate it of course, and it was delicious.

Well, I should probably get off the couch and do something with my lazy self today. Life is pretty good to me right now. :)

It's Amazing

"I have searched the whole world over looking for things
That I thought would fill my heart and ease my pain.
I can climb the highest mountain, or sail beyond the seas,
But it always brings me back to you again.

It's Amazing how You love me
It's Amazing how You care
It's Amazing how You're always thinking
Of me, all the time, everywhere.

There are times when I feel lonely and twisted up inside;
On who I am and what I want to be
There's a yearning deep inside me and a longing to be free
And it always brings me back to you again.

I have lived my life an outlaw on the run,
Leaving broken-hearted dreams for everyone.
But no matter what I do and no matter what I've done
You will always take me back to You again.

It's Amazing how You love me
It's Amazing how You care
It's Amazing how You're always thinking
Of me, all the time, everywhere

Sunday, January 29, 2006

I just got back from visiting my pal Ian at BG, and it was a blast, besides the fact that I kept almost falling asleep everywhere. I drank a couple coffees, which helped a bit, but nothing can quite make up for not going to bed the night before......oops. I gotta work on that, but someone is making it very difficult (I won't mention names). ;) But anyway, BG was great. I loved the campus simply because I didn't feel like I was walking through a J Crew magazine or something. I mean, I guess I shouldn't stereotype Miamians, but let me tell you.....I have not been so refreshed to see so many "normal" college students in my life. Many many people with jeans and sweatshirts and things, normal hair cuts, artsy peeps, average height and weight peeps. It was all just such a change from what I am used to seeing in Oxford, the city of the beautiful. I'd forgotten how hard it was to live in Oxford and see all these gorgeous people all the time until tonight when I was reminded of the normality of humanity at a different college campus. It was really nice. I felt almost normal for once.

Ian is a blast. It was so nice to see him again. We went "gearing," and Ian found a pack, but unfortunately, I have not been so lucky yet. So, I'm going to check Bass Pro sometime tomorrow or Monday most likely to see what I can find there.

I am currently at my parents' house. It's really nice to be home for the night. I think I love being here at home more and more as I get older and older. My mini vacation spot, as I think I have called it before.

Oh my goodness, I almost forgot the best part of the night! Ian's roommate is in a band called the Student Loan, and they are very similar to Nickel Creek or something. I believe they call it "new grass." It was A-MA-ZA-ZING! I could have listened to them all night long. They had so much energy and sounded incredible. After the show, Ian's roommate gave me a demo CD, which I of course sampled for most of the ride home. *sigh* I love underground music stuff. It's so raw and beautiful.

Anyway, not going to bed last night has left me incredibly tired tonight, so I better go to bed. But before I's a couple pictures of our cuties. :) I posted these on here for a specific person who will remain unknown so that this person can see the size and non-threatening nature of our doggies. Yeah, you know who you are. ;)

Friday, January 27, 2006

Today was my last day at the women's center in Hamilton. It was sad, but also really amazing......all the ladies came in at 2pm to surprise me with a little going away party. One lady brought me balloons and a stuffed bear, and other people brought in snacks and stuff. They did all this just for me! And.....they all pooled together some money for me to buy supplies for my trip.....$115!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. The ladies there are some of the sweetest people you will ever meet. Before I left, they all prayed over me and for my trip. I felt so loved. God is so amazing in the fact that he provides us with so much many people who love and care for each other. The ladies were also talking about my return and how they'd really like to have me back. This is something I have been thinking about.....coming back to Oxford. I need to process through it some more before I really post anything serious about it I think.

Oh, by the way, I didn't go home after all. No one in my family was going to be around, so the trip would have been a bit pointless. I am, however, still planning on visiting my pal Ian at BG on Saturday. He's going to help me pick out a pack and also take me to one of his favorite hang-outs to hear a band he really likes. :) I'm excited.

And tomorrow, I am heading to Cinci with Jared to pick up his tux for the dance. And then I am surprising him by taking him to dinner at an unknown location (it's going to be SWEET!) I'm really excited about that, too. :)

Alright, time for bed.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

I forgot to write about my deal with Justin today. So, you see, I am trying to lose weight before my trip, and Justin is trying to gain weight in muscle mass. We were talking in the car today, and we decided to make a deal. I am going to try to lose 10 pounds before March 1, and he is going to try to gain 7. Whoever comes closer to their goal is the winner, and the loser has to buy the winner a CD. :) So, we'll see how it pans out. This, I think, is my first official public declaration of trying to lose weight since all of my eating disorder stuff, and I think I feel pretty good about it I guess. I don't feel like I am obsessing over it, and I'm trying to keep a healthy perspective. It's just really hard after years of eating disorders. I don't know what's normal anymore it seems, because my eating and exercising has been so bizaarre for so long. I have been trying to watch what I eat at least a little bit and exercise more over the past couple weeks, and I've lost about 8 pounds. I can tell, too, because I am feeling better. It's exciting, but a little scary because this area is a really dark area to step into, and can be dangerous for me. But I feel ok about it right now. And I'm looking forward to a free CD. te he he

Let me start off by saying that I hung out with Doug yesterday in Cincinnati, and it was so great. We decided to go to the Cincinnati Art Museum, and we ended up spending 2 hours there. I loved it. They had a special exhibition there about artwork and how it is portrayed on CD covers, which I of course really enjoyed.....they even had little stations with IPODS where you could listen to the different CDs that were on display. Over the Rhine had 2 displays. I think one of my favorites was the cover of a CD by Mark Knopfler. It's so beautiful.

Anyway, moving on: I watched Lord of War with Jared last night. Man, it was intense. I feel like I am still processing through some of the things the movie was trying to highlight. It’s one of those movies that will really make you think about violence and how the world operates. It was actually kind of sad.

Today, I was able to hang out with Murle and Justin, which was a blast. We drove to Covington to look at some architecture thing that was required for their class. The driving and stuff was just so much fun. We laughed a lot, and we sang really loud and danced around in the car. :)

Megan and I got to hang out tonight, which was fun, too. Our night included interpretive dance, talking about next year, shooting my Nerf gun, and talking about nothing and everything. She’s really amazing.

My thumbs look horrible still.....even worse now. Ouch.

Tomorrow: planning on going home. Yay! :) I'm excited.

Monday, January 23, 2006

"What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death
I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
You've always kept me safe
Oh me of little faith"

-Nickel Creek


Sometimes I feel like all I do is hurt people and make life harder for everyone.

well, church was very diverse in its emotional spectrum today. I went from making lattes for everyone to making everyon cry. It was a hard night that made me realize I am much more lost and directionless than I had even imagined. I am not ok with myself, and I am not ok with where I am at in my life. I feel like I need change, but maybe the trail isn't the change I am needing. I don't know. I am still planning on going, though, because I feel like that is the next phase of my life at the moment. I'll just end with a letter I wrote to the church tonight after thinking about some things :

To my friends:

I want to thank you guys for supporting me and loving me as you have for so long, and through so much stuff. I know that I have in no way made your lives any easier, less stressful, or less emotionally draining. I think tonight I suddenly became aware of my complete selfishness in the matter of choosing to hike the trail, and I’m really sorry that I did not consider other implications involving the people who love me the most. I guess this is the story of my life at this moment in time…..very self-involved and self-revolving. I guess hiking a trail by myself isn’t going to help that matter much, either.

After hearing everyone’s concerns tonight, and also being reminded that there is no place I can go where I can either run from my problems or automatically solve them, I had to consider whether or not my decision to hike the trail was in my best interest. I guess I just wish we had taken the time to have this conversation 3 months ago when I was just starting to plan for the trail. Now, I have a bus ticket to GA that is non-refundable and almost $2000 worth of food and equipment for the trail….not to mention the hours and hours and hours I have put into planning the trip and my meals. I think if I had seen your concerns and how I was hurting you then, I would most likely have given a second thought to hiking the trail. But I feel that now I have too much invested to make that decision. Maybe this isn’t the best path for me, and if so, then I will learn the hard way. But I think that regardless of my decision, God can use it to teach me something. In this case, that may mean a hard way to go, but I know I will grow from the experience regardless.

I’m sorry, too, that I did not think of the impact a 5-month absence would have on everyone. I just kind of saw it as a really long vacation or something. I’m not moving away really, just leaving for a while. And it is possible to keep in touch, through letters and phone and things. I guess I just didn’t think it was a big deal, but now I can see that I was taking it too lightly, and I’m sorry for that.

I know the trail is not going to solve anything for me. And I am not so naïve to think that I am going to figure anything out while hiking. In fact, I may come back more confused, depressed, directionless, and God-less than I am now, but that is a risk I am willing to take right now. Plus, I have this sense of adventure inside of me that needs to be satisfied. This isn’t all serious, life-altering stuff. It’s also about being in nature, enjoying God’s creation, and smelling really bad. I’m excited about it. I hope that maybe you can be excited for me, too.

I really love you all so much, and I will continue to love you all while I am on the trail, and I will love you all when I get back. This isn’t the end of my relationship with all of you. I don’t have it all figured out, but I’m just going to take it a day at a time and see what happens.

Thanks for understanding and loving me,


Friday, January 20, 2006


I went to see Underworld tonight at the theater, but only ended up watching about 3 minutes of it. Instead of watching weird creatures kick the crap out of each other, I was able to have some civilized and much needed conversation with Megan. It was really really great. I am going to miss her a whole lot while I am gone. We talked about relationships and girlie things, which I am realizing I never really do with anyone. I keep all kinds of things to myself, which is never really good, and so it was really refreshing to have an amazing friend to talk with tonight.

My thumbs look horrible right now, by the way. Ever since....hmmm....must have been Sunday or Monday, my habit has been back at full swing. This is usually a sign of some kind of inner turmoil of some sort......still thinking through this one. It could be a number of things. They haven't looked this bad in a long time.

16 of my 21 boxes are pretty much done and packed for shipping on the trail. And my house doesn't smell like beans anymore. If you don't know what I'm talking about, ask Spen. :)

I wish I knew how to shop for things. Where is my feminine side when I need it? Oh, that must be why I have Christi. :) I love my Roomie for Life.

Alright, I need to get to bed. Big day tomorrow....sort of. I'll be sure to write about it later.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

well, it was absolutely beautiful outside this morning, so I stepped out and took a picture of my backyard.....the snow was just hanging on the trees. So pretty. Here's a pic:

And I decided that since I was hooking up my camera to the computer, I'd post a few pics of the little ones I babysat for the other day. They are the most amazing amazing. We had a blast.

This is Zoey. She's 4 years old and the cutest, sweetest thing you'll ever meet.

This is Landon. He's going to be 8 soon I believe.....8 or 9.....and he's growing up so fast! He's turning into a know, playing games on the computer, shooting me with nurf guns, things like that. The last picture was taken about 1 second before I was nailed square in the forehead with a nurf bullet. Yep. :)

I cried several times throughout the day today. I guess that makes me kind of girlie. But I don't mind. I found out today that one of my best friends is moving to Pennsylvania in May. The news itself is hard enough, but after soaking it in, I realized I will not be here to see him off. I will be on the trail. And he won't be here when I get back. I guess I've just become so accustomed to seeing him several times a week, making me laugh, helping me feel better about myself, just being a friend, that I didn't realize how much I would miss him when he was gone. It's sad, and I'm really pretty distraut about the whole thing. :(

On other happier notes, I have been invited to the Charter Day Ball. I am really excited, and Jared (the guy who asked me) is going to teach me how to dance. Yeah, that's right. :) I can't wait.

Thinking today about my trip, too......just kind of wondering if I am doing the right thing. Doug pretty much told me if I was around, his job was mine. And it seems I have been meeting some really great people lately. And so many things are changing. It's getting harder and harder to think about leaving it all behind.


Sunday, January 15, 2006


Tonight, my friend who says that he doesn't pray told me he would pray for me. That's so awesome......

Well, I'm going to give you a fair warning before you jump into this blog. This might just happen to be another doozie....might be a little extensive. I don't know. It's another one of those late night/early morning posts where I get pretty reflective with no sleep. And I'm drinking coffee, so, that makes for a deadly nightmare of a long blog I'm guessing. ;)

let me start off by saying I am currently sitting on my back porch in one of those awesome chairs that Glenn and Cathy got me for graduation. It's soooo comfy, and I have my favorite blanket across my lap. Modern technology has made it possible for me to sit outside and still be on the internet as well, which is great. So, I'm enjoying the sun as it continues to rise, and hearing all sorts of birds and beautiful things. Admiring the frost that is sparkling over the grass as the sun shines on it, and I also heard the wood pecker that was driving Glenn crazy a few months ago. hehe All of this makes me long for the wake up and see my breath in the see the sun hear nature all be in the midst of God's creation with nothing else to distract me but my own thoughts. I'm ready to leave I think.

It's about that time for me. I feel changes coming on....the anticipation of something great and life changing, but also anticipation of hardships and times of great trial, times of stretching myself to my limits, more mentally than physically. I feel some kind of longing in my heart for something so much greater than I am living now.....a longing that makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time. And sometimes, I feel like that's what I do.

My main goal for the trip: worship and connect with God on a new level, because I have been starving myself from time with Him, and my life shows it. And though I have many other goals, I think my second goal is to find out how to love myself, becaues I feel that once I can do that, I can do anything.

By the way, I think I am going to start a club called the no-sleep club.

Other thoughts: relationships are very hard matters of life, with lots of complexity and challenges, and a lot of things that don't make sense to me. I would like to call myself by a term often used by Glenn: I am a relational mutt. And it's hard. You love, and you are bound to get hurt. There is no way getting around that. It's a matter of getting past the hurt...working thru things....that makes love possible. It just stinks sometimes.

So, I guess that's pretty much it for now. I should either get to bed, or I should go for a walk and then pack more stuff up for the trail. Can't play any music cause the little bro is still in bed. I guess here in a bit I will go for a walk for a while, think about things some more, and come back and pack more stuff as I think about more things. Yeah. A good thinking day. :) I'll be babysitting from 1:30-6, and then going to church with Justin and eating a lot of great food and communing with my "family" here in Oxford. I need to start cherishing the fine moments in my life, because these are the ones I take for granted and are the ones I will miss the most when I'm gone. Like....just saying hi to Spen or having him come in and toot in my face. Yeah, I'll miss the little things. Like hearing Glenn and Jason scream at each other while they play ping pong in the basement. Like hugging my "forever my roomie" when she comes in to work with me at my favorite place. Like looking into someone's eyes and seeing that they really care about me, and showing them that I really care about them. Like watching Doug do his impressions of all the wierd people in Oxford. Like sharing meals at house church. Like playing silly card games and smashing people's fingers when I try to slap a double. Like seeing the smiles of my amazing friends. Like getting incredible hugs from incredible people that mean the world to me. Yeah, I'll miss the little things.

"What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"

-NIN (also performed by Johnny Cash)

Friday, January 13, 2006

Today was sort of odd. Good and bad in some ways. I did a ton of shopping today for the AT. I feel like I'm getting somewhere with my food stuffs and my gear. It's really hard to pack 5 months worth of food, because it's hard to convince myself to buy so much food at one just seems like "wow, I really don't need this much" but then I get home and can only make a few meals out of the stuff. Then I realize......THIS IS FOR FIVE MONTHS. Wow. So, I keep buying groceries in spurts.

In between shopping, I went to the women's center, which was fine. Neither of my clients showed up, so I spent time talking to the director, Sue, and filling out files on the computer. I also had to stay for a meeting at 4:30, which I totally forgot about, but it worked out fine. I left there at 6, got dressed for Kofenya, and went in.

At Kofenya, I found out it was my last night there. Yeah. I didn't know until I went in. It was a little emotionally unsettling. See, I talked to Liz and Nicole about leaving soon, within the next week or two, but only if it was convenient for them and wasn't going to cause them extra hassle, which they said it wasn't, since Chad (who's taking over for me) graduated in December and is ready to go. Well, somewhere along the way, there was some miscommunication, and they thought I wanted to be done RIGHT NOW I guess.....and so, at 7pm, while working, I found out it was my last night. .... .... .... That was what my brain did for a while. Huh. Wow. Weird. Hmmm. Those were my thoughts. I almost cried a couple times just, well, for a lot of reasons I guess. I felt a little rejected...unwanted....but I know it was my own doing, so I can't think things like that. I also realized that my life is going to go thru some significant changes over the next few weeks, which requires leaving a lot of things that are comforting to me...and familiar. That's kind of hard to swallow, especially when it relates to my relationships. Wow, which I REALLY stink at, by the way. I thought about that today, too.....MAN, I'm horrible at relationships.

But anyway, the night did get better. I worked with two really great peeps, and I had a few visitors. After work, Megan, Jared, and I went over to watch Glory Road, which was a decent flick. I enjoyed it. From there, it was off to my place to go for a walk, during which I was totally freaked out because my friends kindly reminded me of the recent rape(s) in Oxford.....girls at gunpoint so I've heard. Horrible. Just horrible. So, I'm walking around in the dark at 3 in the morning, thinking that every bush, shadow, trash can and fire hydrant is an evil, sick man waiting to pounce on me with a gun held to my head. Not a good feeling. I was suspicious about ever car...they all seemed to be lurking around....staring at me.....I was definitely freaking myself out. One time, I even ran off into someone's yard by a creek to hide because I thought one car had turned around to come back by me. They had swerved to point their lights at me and had their flashers on, but kept going....but then I thought I saw their lights as they turned back around. I bolted into a stranger's yard. It was a false alarm. Man, I hate fear. I don't want to live in it. It stinks.

So, now I am officially employed regularly at one job. The true and steadfast love of my life. The Princess. Oh, what will I do without it when I leave? Sad. I also hope to go in and talk to Rita to pick up more subbing hours.

Lots of things on my mind tonight. Could be why I am still up at 6am in the morning. *sigh* But things are not all so gloomy. I have a lot of cool things going on in my life now, too. Lots of things I am looking forward to. I just need to learn to take it one step at a time.

Wow, if you are still reading, you are my blog-reading hero. This was a really long post. To end it, I will just say that it is thundering, lightening, and raining like crazy outside at 6am in the middle of January. Sweet.

Sunday, January 08, 2006


"But aren't you afraid of bears?"

I find it kind of funny that most people's initial reaction to me hiking the Appalachian Trail has something to do with being afraid of bears. OK, bears ARE some kind of threat to hikers, but really, it's only if you aren't smart and taking precautions. I think this is just another example of how we let fears limit and dictate what we can and can't do. People are afraid of bears, so they won't go hiking. People are afraid of failing, so they won't try challenging things. People are afraid of crime, and so they won't venture out much. I could go on and on. Fear stinks. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying to just do everything that is dangerous. But there is certainly a difference between being "wise" and being "fearful."

So, to ease the fear of my fellow blog readers and to give a little info that you might not (or might) know:

-There are no grizzlies on the Appalachian Trail. Only blackbears, which is good, because they are less aggressive than grizzlies.
-According to The Appalachian Trail Hiker (Logue and Logue, 2004) black bears are mostly shy and rarely inflict injuries.
-Hanging food and smellables in a tree far from camp will most likely keep any bears away from you
-if approached by a black bear, look as big as possible and make noise. They will probably leave. Never run away.
-Throwing stones if necessary will also probably get a bear to leave

So, there you go. Now you know that I will be safe and sound because I will be wise with my food and enjoy my animal encounters. :)

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Well, today was pretty darn sweet. I only got 4 hours of sleep, but it didn't affect me too much. I opened at Kofenya, which (if I am awake) is a real treat most of the time, because the morning people are majoritively non-students. I like that. I like talking to the adults, seeing people who have establishment in their life, seeing people who are different than me and all the people I am so used to seeing in Oxford. Such a nice change. And the older people are actually towns-people, not just students staying for 4 years. It's cool.

Then I got to play music with Christi, which was just amazing. She's so good at cello, and she can make anything of mine that is crappy sound like a masterpiece. :) I can't wait to play with her in Feb, but MAN do I need to practice a TON.

THEN I went to Colerain with my buddy Ian. Oh my goodness it was so good to see him! He loves outdoor stuff, so we basically just went "gearing" and bought some more stuff for my trip. We got all caught up on life with each other and ate at Subway. So, my gear is getting closer to being completed, but I still have a lot to get. Whew. I'm gonna be broke after this trip.

AND.....I got my tent in the mail today!!! Oh, it's so great!! This pic is a little fuzzy, but this is me with my trekking poles in my new sweetest tent ever. ;)

OK, and I'm going to apologize right now for the fact that majority of my posts from now on out are going to be about my trip on the AT probably. I can't help it. It's a big part of my life right now. And hopefully some of the stuff I talk about will be semi-interesting, since most people don't know much about the trail (including myself, but I'm learning more as I read). So, be prepared to hear about hiking! ;)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Well, it's 3:24am and I'm still awake.....because I am not going to bed. Those nights of closing at the theater and then opening at Kofenya just don't work very well for me, so sometimes I just stay up all night beause it's just about as easy as going to bed for a few hours and risking sleeping thru my alarm. So anyway, here I am.

Christmas was amazing, but I feel a bit spoiled. I got so much stuff. Now that Christmas is over, I have been taking the liberty of buying things for myself and being completely selfish and feeling justified because most of the things I am buying are for the AT. hehe I am keeping a far, over $800 on AT equipment and food, and it's rising quickly. I am learning that food for 5 months is expensive, as well as outdoor gear (if you want it to be good quality). But, it's all going to work great, and I'm getting super-excited about leaving. I am really struggling to get thru daily life, and I know the trail isn't going to fix that, but I feel like maybe...just maybe....if I get away to some place where I can't avoid my problems and all I have is time, then I will be forced to face some things that I have been avoiding for a long time. Maybe.

I'm also getting really excited about playing at Kofenya in February, as my list of guest musicians continues to grow. Ellen may be opening for me (haha, I may have an opener....that's funny), and Christi and Justin are in, and I think Glenn is in now (woo hoo!). Anyone else who would like to play is welcome. Micah, I know you read this.....wanna come into town on the 24th of Feb?? Been thinkin about ya a lot and how I'd do anything to hear ya play again.... :) And to see ya.

All in all, I'm just trying to survive. I feel a lot of things attitude, my relationships, my communion with God, everything just kind of seems to be going ker-plunk, and I almost just feel like curling in a ball and giving up on life. But hiking the trail is giving me hope for something different and new....something to give me a different perspective on life and to bring myself back into a relationship with my Creator. I don't know. Maybe I'll come back exactly the same: depressed and lost and desperate for something else that I can't find. But I'm hoping not.

Lord, please prepare me for my trip, to see You and love You in a new way, to be real, and to learn to love myself so I can love others.

Life is hard sometimes. But I'm still here. Still going.

"give me strength to find the road that's lost in me
give me time to heal and build myself a dream
give me eyes to see the world surrounding me
give me strength to be only me"

Monday, January 02, 2006

Yeah, I need to blog sometime.