I must be getting old. I took McKenzie to the mall today, and at one check out, the lady said something about "me and my husband," and then at another check out, the lady said to McKenzie, "Maybe this summer you and your mom......." WOW! Not to mention a friend told me I look 25 today. Hmmmmmmmmm. Scary thoughts. Marriage. Kids. Looking 3 years older than I really am. I don't really know what else to do with that but laugh. *laugh* ;)

Anyway, it was a wonderful day. My time with McKenzie was well-spent. She's such an amazing little girl. And then I got to hang with Kara and Vir for Vir's birthday at Kona, which was full of laughs, snorts, whip cream on my wallet, love notes to the waiter (well, not exactly), more laughs, and really yummy food. Later, I met up with Vir at the theater to watch a really hokey Sci-Fi movie, but I must admit, it did get me to laugh. So, it must have been worth something, plus it was more time with Vir, so yeah....definitely worth it. :)

AND.....I'm off to get some sleep so I can wake up and go to my ABSOLUTE LAST CLASS at Miami University. Yep, that's right. This is one happy girl. :)

And God rocks. :)

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has been praying for me at all over the last week or so. Things have really been getting better, and I know God is working because of those faithful prayers. :)

And, I'd just like to say that I have 4 more days of class at Miami University. Yeah baby! I still don't know what I'll be doing when I graduate, but the Lord knows, and I'll keep my eyes open. Patience, patience. He has a plan for me! ;) (Jeremiah 29:11) And I'm excited about whatever is in store. All for His glory. :)

I apologize for not posting sooner, and I'm sorry about the last couple posts, too. I thought about deleting them, but then I wouldn't be able to come back and read them later on and see where I've been and where God has taken me.....to learn from my past. And for others to hopefully learn and benefit from my struggles. So, my bad posts stay.

Anyway, I wish that I had taken the time to blog over the past week, because soooooo many amazing things have been happening. Huge mile stones in my life. God things. His grace and mercy is so beyond my comprehension, as is His love for me. Through tears, I finally broke down and confessed where I am in front of my church family on Sunday. I admitted I needed their help, I needed their prayers, their support, because I am tired of struggling on my own. I opened doors. I made a huge step in the healing process, and only by the power of God was I able to break that barrier. Many tears were shed by me and others. The whole atmosphere was filled with God and very powerful to say the least. I serve an amazing God.

Then, on Tuesday night, I received more prayer (because one guy felt he and his wife and another guy should pray for me) and it was all very encouraging. Prayers that made sense to where I'm at in my life right now. And I just couldn't understand why these people would want to take the time to sit and pray over me. Another example of God showing me how much He loves me. He loves me enough to put me on the hearts of others. I'm that important to Him! Sweet.

Other than that, I've had at least one shared meal a day with brothers and sisters in Christ, and that in itself has been uplifting and pretty amazing. I'm so thankful.....so thankful.....for fellow believers who are willing to sacrifice time, energy, money, and love for me.

I have (most likely temporarily) given up my leadership position as worship leader at church so I can have time to do whatever it is I need to do. I feel like I'm really at a transitioning phase in my life, and I didn't feel like I should be a leader in the church at this time. So.....where I will go from here, not really sure. Time will tell. And God will reveal.

I have so much more I could write, but I'll end with this. If the power steering ever goes out on your car, just leave it alone for about 2 1/2 months and then take someone out who doesn't know how to drive stick shift so they can stall it many times and cause it to jolt really really hard and miraculously repair your power steering (yes, this happened to me!) lol I don't know how long it will last, but let me tell you, it is SOOOOOO much easier to park now! I'll relish in it while it lasts.

I am so inconsistent and waivering. Makes me think of a line in the song "Shifting Sand" by Caedmon's Call, which says "My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave."

I'm eating chocolate for breakfast. Because I can. Something deep inside is hurting so bad, but all I do is push people away. And you know what? I say I don't care, and now I've convinced myself that I don't. I don't want to be around anyone anymore. Relationships hurt and I'm a screw up who hurts other people. And so I figure people are better off without me in their lives. Either that, or keeping a relationship surface level. Otherwise, I'm going to stomp all over people.

Right now, I am angry, frustrated, bitter, hateful, resentful, sad, and many other things that I shouldn't be. But I'm tired of trying and getting no where. I'm also tired of focusing on myself all the time. I have had enough of living my life. It sucks and it's a waste of time. For everyone. And I don't want any comments on my blog. This is not a plea for pity and for people to say "oh, but Kim...." I've done enough of that before. I don't want attention and I don't want sorrow and pity for me.

I just got back this afternoon from a women's conference in Columbus, Ohio. It was all about reaching single moms in Ohio, helping them, loving them, and sharing Christ with them. Some of the women there were single moms themselves who had been reached out to by ministries and special people in their lives. Some of them told stories.....some so touching that many cried (and I almost did, too). God is an amazing God who really honestly changes people's lives. I'm really glad I got to go. Not only did I get to learn some great stuff, hear some great stories, and stay in a hotel, but I also got to get away from Oxford for a day. :)

I'm trying to think back to the most significant things I learned while I was away. One, I was just reminded once again how powerful and IMPORTANT prayer really is. I struggle to pray sometimes, but it's my way to communicate with God. I should be submitting everything to Him and asking Him before I make all decisions. I mean, who knows better than Him? And to go along with this, I need to work on being patience and listening for His words, voice, and answers.

I think my eyes were also opened to how comfortable I have allowed myself to become in my Christianity. I don't step out, take risks, sacrifice my life enough....I have settled for less than what God desires of me, and that was disappointing, but also good because it means I still have chances to change.

And finally, I think God is finally starting to show me what He wants me to do when I graduate. It's still pretty fuzzy, though....seems like I am getting little piece by little piece. So, I don't want to really share what's going through my head right now until I'm sure that's what God is telling me, but as soon as I think I have things figured out, I'm sure I'll write about it. :)

Praise God for His faithfulness, goodness, graciousness, and mercy. :)

Sharing, by Maude V. Preston

"There isn't much that I can do,
But I can share my bread with you,
And I can share my joy with you,
And sometimes share a sorrow, too....
As on our way we go.

There isn't much that I can do,
But I can sit an hour with you,
And I can share a joke with you,
And sometimes share reverses, too....
As on our way we go.

There isn't much that I can do,
But I can share my flowers with you,
And I can share my books with you,
And sometimes share your burdens, too.....
As on our way we go.

There isn't much that I can do,
But I can share my songs with you,
And I can share my mirth with you,
And sometimes come and laugh with you.....
As on our way we go.

There isn't much that I can do,
But I can share my hopes with you,
And I can share my fears with you,
And sometimes shed some tears with you....
As on our way we go.

There isn't much that I can do,
But I can share my friends with you,
And I can share my life with you,
And ofttimes share a prayer with you.....
As on our way we go."

This weekend, while I was home, I went upstairs in the top of our grainery and kicked nad punched on the punching bag and clacking board. It was really sweet....been a long time since I've done that, and it felt great. Besides the karate and workout equipment up there, however, are stacks and stacks of books that we inherited from my great grandma when she died several years ago. And as I was kicking on the clacking board, a silver book caught my eye. So I checked it out. It's called "Wings of Silver," and it ended up being a book full of Bible verses and words from people speaking about things like the fruits of the spirit. It was given to someone in my family as a gift in 1972 (there's an inscription on the inside). I haven't taken the time to read it yet, but it seems like a cool book. When I was leafing through it, though, I found an extra piece of paper stuck in it.....and that was the poem I posted above. It wasn't like a life-altering moment or anything like that when I read it, but I just really liked it. For me, it reminds me that love is simply sharing your life, your possessions, you time, your thoughts with someone. Spen and I talked a little bit on the way back to Oxford yesterday about loving through actions and not words, and I believe that's what this poem is saying, too. It's just good to be reminded of that sometimes.

As I sit here listening to Jars sing "God will lift up your head" on the radio while crying and contemplating relationships and feeling deeply moved, I am so overwhelmed by God's love....something I don't understand, but has to be so real in order for Him to care enough to place such amazing people in my life. People who speak Truth to me, who love me. I can't understand it......but I am overcome with thankfulness and filled with the beauty of love and life. I serve a God who reaches into the hearts of His people to touch them in a deep place that can't be touched by anyone or anything else. So hard to understand....maybe even harder to accept.....but neither of those can negate the fact that it is true.

Today, April 1, I want to make a decision to start the beginning of something I've tried so long to find. I want to find my freedom. And I want to start fighting again. I want to start seeking Truth, seeing through the lies in my life, believing what God says about the worth of my life. I want to start taking care of the body He gave me because it is His temple and it is HOLY and RIGHTEOUS by the blood of Christ. I realize I am no longer fighting for just myself. But for my family, my friends, people God has for me to come in contact with in the future, people who need His love, and for God Himself. I am chosing to fight the good fight.